waiting {day 10}

Life is a constant season of waiting.

I remember while we were waiting for Elizabeth thinking that this particular season of waiting was the hardest. And yet it wasn’t the first I had been through. I had waited on the Lord to heal my broken heart, I waited in hope that He would heal my ailing step-father, I waited for my husband, I wait daily for my sanctification to go faster and be easier, we wait for our daughter to know the riches that are in Jesus, we wait for Heaven, and even more we wait and plead for unsaved friends and family members.

We are not unaccustomed to waiting. We wait everyday for things we want, things we need, things we think would bring incredible joy and erase sorrow.

And yet, that particular season of waiting seemed as if it would break me. And I know, as I’ve met, ministered, and waited with others walking through infertility, that it hasn’t been easy for them either.

And as I reflect back, now on this side of the waiting, I’m not even quite certain why the wait for children is so hard. I’m not sure if it’s the picture of parenthood that the world has created, our innate desire as women to mother, the mere disappointment that something that comes easily to others hasn’t been given to us. Maybe it’s some mixture of a lot of things.

But how we wait seems to matter. We can actively wait or inactively wait. And it seems how we wait is not only to our own benefit but to the Lord as well. To abide, in one form, means to wait.

I can remember how waiting for Elizabeth made us wrestle with so many things. I had been home, having given up graduate school to help my husband with his company, in the anticipation that children would be added to our family. I had no career to fill my time. And then as the wait seemed to get longer we had to mentally prepare for the reality that children may not be in our future. Not feeling led to adoption or more intrusive forms of medical intervention, we began finally moving forward, after 2 years of waiting. I met with my college advisor beginning to brainstorm how and when I would re-enter school to finish. And the Lord led me to a place where I was seemingly okay with not having children.

My husband, throughout our journey with infertility, was never quite certain he wanted children. Yes, he wanted children because biblically children are a good thing and a sanctifying thing, but in some ways he could take or leave parenthood. But I, I really wanted children. To be a mother. So for me to get to a point with the Lord that I was content not having children was quite the feat. And then one day, out of the blue, my husband said casually as I cleaned up the kitchen, that he was ready to head back to the doctor and yes we should continue to pursue having children.

And in my heart, I waffled. I was training for a marathon, I had my classes lined up at school, I felt as though we were finally moving out of waiting to having a future, albeit without children. And yet, I knew I couldn’t pass the opportunity up.

Sometimes we know why we wait on the other side and other times we never know the cause for the waiting. After we headed back we got pregnant twice, losing both babies, before our Elizabeth was formed in my womb. God had a reason for the waiting.

I can conjecture up my own reasoning's but it doesn’t matter. All that I know this side of the waiting was that it was good. For me. For our marriage. For our abiding with the Lord. We wrestled and listened and beckoned and groaned and cried and rejoiced and trusted and became more and more selfless through the wait.

Waiting was for our good and it brought glory to God.

Abiding in the Lord is a combination of waiting on Him and leaning into Him, trusting Him and allowing Him to lead the way. It brings great joy to wait.

It’s not easy.

But since when have the best things ever been easy?

“Though the fig three does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines….{though my womb is not producing children, though the sick may not be healed} yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.”

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (italics my own)