on the other side

I wasn’t sure if I would ever post this.

But here I am.

I can still remember the month that the lights began to fade. I laughed a little less, worried a bit more, and most days dreaded the early morning wake up call. At the time I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. I just knew that I didn’t feel like myself.

I began grasping for excuses…I just had a baby, motherhood will take an adjustment to get used to, if only she would sleep…and from there the feelings of inadequacy and discontentment began to grow.

This was right around the time Elizabeth was 3 months old. End of September. Life became overwhelming. Every little decision when it came to Elizabeth seemed to send me into a spiral of fret, certain things had to be done just so or it seemed everything would all fall apart. And along with it, I began to feel down. I just couldn’t shake the doldrums that ushered in with autumn.

On the outside, most didn’t notice a difference. It even took Alex some time to come around. All I remember is going through the motions. I was asked a few times if everything was alright because I didn’t seem myself, but I just rolled it off as lack of sleep. I mean, that was the truth. Everyday was filled with the things that needed to be done. Just enough to get us through. Diapers changed, baby rocked and fed, snippets of sleep, dinner on the table. But in reality, while my arms and legs still managed to keep house and tend to Elizabeth, inside I was drowning. What I noticed the most was that I began doing without feeling. Life became lifeless.

I lost the joy. The awe of looking in the eyes of our daughter, feeling her soft baby skin, it was lost on me. Instead I began to resent her. Frustrated when she wouldn’t sleep, burying my head in the pillow when her sweet voice called out in the early morning light, and finding myself more invested in schedules and time rather than in the little life before me.

Here I was, now a mother, and I was floundering at the task at hand. And I had had 8 years of prior experience running a household with 3 little ones underfoot as a nanny. I knew how to do “mothering” without always engaging. But I never thought that mothering my own would feel so empty and so full of tears. Almost anything would set them off. And frustrated with myself, I began digging deep. Trying to figure out what was going on. Even time in the Word, singing worship, calling out in prayer became lifeless and dull.

One day I had enough. I posted post-its all around our house. And on them were printed the most elementary commands. “Feeling Weary…pray!, Tired…pray!, Need joy…pray!” I thought maybe I could muster up enough faith to rid my heart and mind of the cobwebs. Bring back joy.

And then one morning I found myself sitting before my husband saying “Honey, I think I am depressed.” At first he kind of laughed. And then he saw and knew. And he stated the most obvious of responses, “Honey, maybe you are.” And then I took some time to mull that over in my head. For over a month.

Right after that time, when Elizabeth was 7 months old, my cycle restarted. And I found this post by Joanna Goddard and read it. And then I decided it was time to see my OB.

Going in felt foolish…I was sure it was all in my head. Inside I felt defeated. Tests were run, forms filled out, surveys taken. The next day the verdict was in. Thyroid was fine, blood sugar normal. One thing was off, severely low.

My vitamin D level.

A vitamin D deficiency can mimic the symptoms of postpartum depression. The feelings I felt were very real. The darkness was real. And after one day on massive amounts of Vitamin D, the joy began to flood back in. Darkness slowly fading, cobwebs being swept away.

I had an aha moment: Of course…the times I felt my best were the few months after Elizabeth was born (summer) and our vacation to Florida (sunshine). An answer. To be honest, even if everything would have come back normal and postpartum depression was the source, I would have been relieved to have been honest. To have sought help. By the time she was 7 months all I wanted was to be back to myself.

And even though there was a reason for the darkness, I’m still realizing that it’s going to take awhile to find my rhythm. To find my way of mothering. But at least now, one thing is for certain, the months ahead, while hard and trying, will be filled with hope and joy.

Praying for you mothers out there, walking through the trenches, battling the cobwebs that cloud our hearts and minds, to find joy in the morning.

Giving myself grace

That’s my theme for 2013. Word of the year = grace.

Sometime around Thanksgiving I started letting myself off the hook. Off the hook for having everything together, decorating our house perfectly, being scheduled. Our life is far from perfect but if motherhood has taught me anything in 6 short months, it has taught me that I need more and more grace.

Especially from myself.

I don’t tend toward perfectionism normally. Mainly because I’ve lived enough years making a fool of myself. Perfectionism and Andrea just don’t go hand in hand. Before Elizabeth, I never held myself to the unattainable, the world’s standard. I never felt beat up or like I had to get it together. I spent way too many years in early adulthood striving for that and it led nowhere. My motto for life, ever since a dear mentor mentioned it in college, has been learning to manage my expectations:

“The difference between your expectations and reality is disappointment.”

Isn’t that the truth? And yet, I’ve spent the past 6 months, not disappointed necessarily, but living in this place between satisfied and frustrated. Right after Elizabeth was born things were really good. I was happy and fulfilled and enjoying every single minute with my baby girl. And then came the slight hints of disappointment. Here or there they would pop up. I thought, for some silly reason, that I could do it all. I mean, we all can do it all for awhile, right? Then the Lord hits us over the head.

I can’t do it all. I can’t even come close. Try telling that to a girl who has a servant heart, loves quality time, and is introverted. That translates to a girl who gives so much she’s forgets herself, any spare time she fills up with people because she needs the quality time, and then in the aftermath she realizes there’s nowhere to turn for some good introverted introspection and time alone. I’m not a schedule person and I was becoming neurotic over Elizabeth’s “schedule.” I don’t know who that person was.
It wasn’t me.

I became a mess of emotions. Self-pity, resentment, bitterness, pride, selfishness…they all came out to play. Unable to give myself grace because for some silly reason I felt as though I needed to do it all. I mean Elizabeth was depending on me. And the downward spiral began…and on my birthday I began to see again. Began to see what was missing.

I missed me. Slowly in all the day in and day out matters I had lost sight of myself. That woman that is confident, care-free, non-type-A, silly. Before Elizabeth ever came I remember repeating the hierarchy to myself…(God first, Alex second, Elizabeth third). And somewhere as the months flew by this hierarchy began to look like Elizabeth first, second, and third. And people kept telling me it was just a season as I grew more dissatisfied.

I don’t know when mommy martyrdom began but I’m totally opposed. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a mommy…I waited my whole life for this and it’s everything I ever imagined it to be. What I didn’t imagine was losing myself. I feel for me to be a good momma I need to be in good health. Not physical per say, but emotional, mental, and spiritual. And as my birthday passed me by, I began reflecting and giving myself grace. Mommy hood to me doesn’t mean losing my identity in motherhood. Because there’s so much more to me.

So I’ve been working, slowly, to dig deep and find that person that was left behind. She was still in there, thank goodness. And I’ve set some things up to make sure I don’t get lost again. Safeguards.

As Christmas came around, like any momma, I wanted it to be perfect. But just so you know, I didn’t bake one cookie, I only took a few pictures, I didn’t pose Elizabeth in 500 different poses to get the right shot, I didn’t worry about our décor in our house, I didn’t buy her an ornament, I didn’t do any of the 500 great crafts on Pinterest, and we only made it 1/2 way through our advent reading. Instead I cuddled our sweet baby girl, gave her kisses, helped her to sleep, and fell in love all over again with myself and with Alex. I just looked at Pinterest and told it to step back. Not gonna bring me down.

I gave myself grace. It wasn’t perfect, not even close. And I’m still giving myself grace. I put Elizabeth in the nursery at Lifetime Fitness so I  could walk on the treadmill and have a few moments to myself. And that’s okay. I wanted to stop nursing but I didn’t. And that’s okay. I want Elizabeth to sleep better but she doesn’t so I just cuddle her more. And that’s okay. I wish my family lived closer so we could see them more often but they don’t. It’ll be okay. I want to write and live and be a woman, be me. And that’s okay.

I have to take care of myself so that I can take care of others. So that I can better make much of Jesus. So that I can love my husband and daughter more. I’m re-learning that to thrive in motherhood I need to be okay stepping back at times and managing my expectations. And that means giving myself grace.

So here’s to 2013 and giving GRACE!

character is everything

After I busted my myth I heard from many how encouraging that post was.  You’re not alone.  Just because I wrote it doesn’t mean I haven’t been back to read it again, and again.  Why?  Because I need to be continually reminded of who God is.

The hubby and I were talking about the post the other day.  I was asking where his mind goes when hard things come.  Inevitably he stated exactly where my heart goes.  To the character of God.  That’s one of my husband’s best qualities.  You see, when we started this journey, he was the first one to remind me that children are not a promise or guarantee, they’re a blessing.  He reminded me how good God has been and is still today.  He’s reaffirmed what I know to be true.

You see, the character of God, is all you need.  That’s a big statement, but I believe it.  When I began walking with the Lord back in middle school, it was God’s love for me that drew me in.  When a boyfriend of 4 years broke my heart for my good in college, it was God’s shelter that I rested in. When my step-father passed away 6 years ago, it was God’s faithfulness that drew me back.

You see, my God is who He says He is.  Do you know who He is?  Have you asked Him?  My daily prayer for as long as I can remember has been to ask God to show me who He is.  More of His character.  He’s been faithful to answer. 

       "For I, the LORD, do not change” (Malachi 3:6a)

These past years I’ve needed the character of God.  In my mind, on my heart, quick and accessible.  You see, His character renounces every sly little lie Satan hopes we will believe.  Our finite little minds cannot fully comprehend who a perfect person is, how they interact with us or make decisions.  How they love or discipline. 

But that’s who God is.  He’s perfect.  Perfect in his love, in his discipline, in his glory.  This is how it daily plays out. 

Satan comes a-calling. 

“Andrea, isn’t it horrible that you can’t have kids.  Look at that 16 year old bursting with life in her womb.  How could God give her life but not give it to you.” 
                                                                      OR
”Isn’t it so sad to see that person we love hurting so much.  That disease is eating them away.  Why won’t God change that?  Why would He let it happen?  It’s just not fair.”

Here’s where my mind goes, hopefully sooner than later. 

“ God is good.  He loves me.  He is the giver of good gifts.  He is the creator of the human race, children are a blessing not a guarantee.  God is all-knowing and there is a good reason that girl is pregnant.”
                                                                       OR
”God’s ways are above my ways.  He is healer.  Disease is part of the fallen world.  He cares more than I could imagine for that person.  He never promised that this life would be easy or fair, but He said He’d be with us. I’m so thankful that my loved one is trusting in Jesus and will go home soon.”

These words can only have affect on my heart if I’m trusting by faith that they are true, otherwise I’ll simmer in discontentment and self-pity.  I read in the word that God loves me and that there is no evil in Him.  To truly believe this I try to picture what an all-loving person would look like.  In discipline.  In hardship.  Would they do things to someone out of spite or disappointment?  No.  They are all good and any discipline or hardship is out of love, with a sanctifying reason.  You have to ask God to give you the faith to believe who He says He is.  

Learning who He is can be so practical but so many of us buck against having to do anything.  Legalism has so skewed our minds.  He wants to know you and you want to know Him.  If we ask God to show us more of Himself and to give us more faith I can assure you this will be a prayer He will answer in His timing. He speaks to you through His word; it comes in many forms.  It’s that easy and that practical.  Open your Bible.  He will meet you and show you.   It’s filled with who He is.  Go there, He’ll join you.

These next months I’m going  to explore the character of God.  He is who He says He is.  I want to know Him in ways I never imagined.  So I can fight.

When Satan comes, daily, are you ready?

all made up

This post is all about face.  Actually it’s about make-up, but that goes on your face!  I’ve never been one to be incredibly loyal to a brand of makeup.  I feel like I’ve been there done that with so many different brands always on the lookout for that one that will do everything and not make me feel like I’m wearing makeup.  I especially don’t want it to rub off.  Can you say embarrassing?

In the past I’ve worn Clinique, Mary Kay, L’Oreal, Sonia Kashuk, Neutrogena, Covergirl, Maybelline you name it, I’ve probably tried it.  From my list you can also probably tell that I’m cheap. Most of those brands I can grab at Target and use a coupon for extra savings.  But I’m always disappointed.  Not only are the shades sometimes off, but the coverage isn’t that great.  It always looks like I have make-up on and if it doesn’t it certainly feels like it.  I figured it was time to clean out my make-up bag.


By the way I love this bag by Vera Bradley.  It’s awesome for make-up and travel!

I’ve had some extra money saved up, so I decided that investing in good make-up was a worthwhile use of my money.  When I had the makeover done they used a Mineral make-up by Jane Iredale.  Though spendy, I loved the look and feel of the Mineral make-up.  So instead of spending even more on Jane Iredale, I went for Bare Escentuals.  My mother-in-law wears it and swears by it.  And just let me tell you she looks AMAZING!

So I cleaned out my make-up bag, moseyed into Bare Escentuals, had them find the right colors, and then I headed to Nordstrom.  Online. Why?  Because they had a fun BONUS when you spent a certain amount online with bag, blush, and brush.  I also bought a pair of shoes so my order would ship free, saving me $$, and promptly returned the shoes.  :)

Here’s my makeup stash now:


I can’t tell you how much I love it.  Bring on summer because this make-up is weightless and it doesn’t rub off.  Even better.

What’s your favorite make-up?

seriously

why didn’t anyone tell me.

when I look at the before and afters, I’m shocked.  my old hair was so BAD~lol!

they worked some kind of magic like I’ve never seen before.

long and short of it

The hubby and I are notorious for long vacations.  The past three years we have spent 2-3 weeks in the fall on vacation.  The first year was England, Scotland and Northern Ireland, year 2 we ventured back but included Paris as well, and last year we headed to the East Coast.  For 2011 we decided to trade in our long vacations and so we came up with a new way to “getaway.”  Mini experiences.

This past weekend was the first of our mini experiences.  In lieu of our annual trip to Florida due to work and other reasons, we decided to spend the money elsewhere…the hubby brainstormed a makeover spa day and went to finding the perfect place.  At first I kept sending him links to tropical destinations trying to get him to change his mind, but after Saturday I’m glad he stayed strong.  It was SO worth it.  We headed to Revamp Salonspa in Uptown and boy did they deliver.  Christopher is the “makeover guy” he’s been featured on Oprah and now I know why.  Leading up to this the hubs has always wanted me to cut my hair short.  But I’ve been there, done that. 

But sitting in the chair, with someone I knew could do the right thing, I went for it.  Before I could say no, my hair was gone.  And it was the best experience of my 30’s:)  I’ve always secretly wanted really short hair but I’ve never had the guts.  Well, when someone will spend 1 1/2 hours cutting your hair, you know you can trust him with your life…well, your hair at least!

So here’s the outcome:




Ps:  The experience was not cheap by any means, but it was one of those once in a lifetime experiences that was so WORTH the money.  (that being said I never spend more than $35 on a haircut so if you frequent Juut/Aveda, then the prices are probably more in line) If you want a change I would definitely recommend anyone at the salon, especially Christopher.

inbetween

This is where for the past year I have lived.  In the inbetween.  Not always understanding, not always happy, not always sad.  Often frustrated.  But by His grace, I feel like dawn is breaking through the inbetween.  I can see the light and with steps of faith that are not my own I will step forward slowly out of the inbetween.

“There's a place between here and there.  A piece of ground in the middle of take-off and landing.  A section of the unknown within beginning and ending.  You probably find yourself there from time to time.  It's the land known as Inbetween.

Inbetween is one of the most rugged places in life.  You aren't fully here, and you aren't fully there.  Your emotions and hopes are strewn across an endless list of possibilities.  Door knobs of wood, brass, and silver line the path, but which will open?  In the land of Inbetween, the paths are lined with sealed envelopes and foggy dreams.  Excitement runs forward and fears hold back.  And if you stay long enough, you feel the tremors of  your soul.

The land of Inbetween is downright scary.  It's a place of blind trust.  It's where the pedals of faith meet the narrow road of fortitude and where movement is demanded though there's no place to go.  The worst part of this land isn't the uncertainty or frustration that accompany it - it's that God likes it when you're there.

While He's no sadist, God loves the land of Inbetween.  He loves what it does to us.  He loves the humility and dependence it creates in our hearts, so He creates innumerable forks in life's road that swerve us into the land of Inbetween.  The unknowns of job, marriage, children, and home are the signs of this uncertain land.  At times, people are thrust into Inbetween by mishaps, accidents, sudden deaths, and even unexpected fortune.  Some people visit so many times they begin to wonder if it's life.  And they aren't far off.

So what will hold you steady when you walk through the terrain of Inbetween?  A recognition that Inbetween is God's design.  In one miraculous moment, the Creator of the universe placed you in the greatest Inbetween of all time - the place between the earthly creation and eternity.  Life's smaller lunges forward and backward are merely postcard reminders that there's something greater than this place we're visiting.

If you're in your own land of Inbetween, remember that God was the original designer of this journey.  You can get mad, scream, and even pout if you want. But it doesn't change the fact that you're merely passing through.  Everything else is Inbetween.”

(from Deeper Walk, a Relevant Devotional Series found on the blog Sit a Spell)

who i am

In October I left my job as a nanny for a chance to “find myself.”  Maybe that doesn’t sound right, maybe it seems like a silly notion.  I mean, by 30, haven’t most people at least figured out what they like and dislike?  I’ve found that we are diverse creatures, always changing.  I know I’m not alone in my search for myself.

Up until now, I’ve never spent a lot of time on me.  I happen to be one of those selfless creatures, although I definitely can be selfish at times.  I’d rather help my husband than have to really think about what I like.  I’d rather take someone’s word for something than have to figure it out for myself.  I’m sure it’s part of who I am, the exact nature of my being, the way God created me to be.  And yet I know in order to most glorify Him in all things, it’s good to know what you are good at, not striving to be something you are not, so you can be used to the fullest.

I guess that’s what I’m after, searching for what I am good at, what I really enjoy, where my gifts actually lie.  I would be remiss if I didn’t share that while growing up I just wanted to be like everyone else.  Our history shapes us.  It doesn’t define us, but it shapes us into who we are.  Our weaknesses and strengths are either pronounced or repressed.  In my case, I’ve been striving to be what the world is telling me I should be, uncomfortable in the skin the Lord has clothed me in.  Anyone else feel this way?  I want to be type-A, organized, extroverted, great at math and science, detailed…I want to be everything I’m not cut out to be.   Sometimes being honest with ourselves is one of the hardest things to do.

This year, I’ve decided to uncover the oppressed parts of who I am, others like my husband already know what these parts are, he sees me every day.  He knows my strengths and weaknesses better than anyone else I know.  He fell in love with the real me, with who I am. I’m hoping that this year, I will do that too.  Fall in love with me, the real me, the me that is so bursting to come out and say hello.

In light of finding me, I’ve taken time to sit, pray, think, and test myself.  Yes, I’ve taken almost every test to help me better understand my strengths and weaknesses.  Here are some of the results (from mypersonality.info):

Myer’s Briggs:  INFJ


Highlights from INFJ:

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals.

· Artistic and creative

· They put energy into identifying the best system for getting things done

· INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them.

· INFJs hold back part of themselves

· INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves

· Natural leaders and future-oriented

· Dislike dealing with details unless they enhance or promote their vision

Spiritual Gifts:  Shepherding, Leadership, Faith, Wisdom

I’m hoping that as I grow more comfortable in my own skin, my confidence will grow and I will find joy in being me, the real me, the who I am at the core.

do you know yourself well?  what is your personality type?