What My Daughter’s Need Most

This past week so many thoughts passed through my mind. I contemplated getting rid of Facebook, shutting down my blog, reducing the amount of peripheral fluff. And I prayed and sought and talked with my husband. And I felt like never before such a strong urge to be intentional.

In the end, since I’m still writing here, the blog isn’t going anywhere. But I have placed some borders on my social media usage because sometimes the fluff gets in the way of what I really want to be focusing on. Being intentional.

Because what my daughter’s need most is their mother. Not a Pinterest inspired version. Just me. Just as I come. My heart, my love, my time, my attention.

Before Elizabeth was born I felt a strong urge for intentionality in my mothering. And after she came and I started reading the parenting books, it didn’t take me long to realize the parenting I wanted, the ministry of motherhood I longed for, wasn’t found in the pages of the books I had been given. I shut them all. In fact, I’ve really only read through 3 or 4 parenting books all the way through and I can assure you they are not the ones you may expect.

I began to get a little confused as to what my role was. I missed ministry and speaking into the lives of women and children. My husband in his own gracious way encouraged me to shut the books, to get rid of them, and to open the one book that would give me everything I needed. The Bible. And so, being the great wife I am, I followed his advice.

And then about a year later, I opened Sally Clarkson’s Ministry of Motherhood. I read through the first 3 chapters, wrote down some notes and shut the book (eventually I finished it!) She finally offered the words and the calling I was waiting to hear.

“I realized with the passing of each day that spiritual and emotional maturity would not just happen to my children because I wished it so. It would not come just from a passive example of my being good. Effective spiritual, emotional, and social training in the lives of my children would have to be both intentional and planned.” Ministry of Motherhood, p. 13

She put words to where my heart was stirring. Having been involved in campus ministry like Sally, I had discipled young women before. I had gained the wisdom of a discipleship model; to pour out my life investing in the next generation, living, loving, serving, training and pointing them to Jesus.

As soon as I read those chapters, I shut the book not because I didn’t like her advice, but because a light bulb went off. God was calling me as a mother to intentionally disciple my children. I had known this in a way prior to having Elizabeth but so much other fluff had been added. Peripheral things that seemed trivial in light of the Gospel. God calls parents to impart His word to them, to teach them about Himself, and to raise up children that know who He is. He asks more of us of course, but this is a foundational truth.

And I shut the book because that discipleship model I had been taught in college was something I knew how to do.

These girls, this season I’ve been given, is where my ministry is. Where my heart needs to be poured out. And discipleship happens best when you get involved and get intentional. It's messy and hard, there are questions and times of failure, but discipleship is coming alongside and teaching, equipping, helping and just plain being there.

The whole mystery of parenting fell away when I realized I just needed to rely on the Lord and set forth an intentional heart to focus on my daughters. Young children learn by observation. This is a known truth. They learn by watching what is going on around them. That’s why if you spend time with kids that are a little wild, your child will probably want to test out being a bit wild and that’s okay and very normal.

For me, knowing my daughters will be watching me, learning from me, copying me makes me not want to get my act together and do things perfectly, but instead to be ready. To be immersed in God’s word, to be authentic and real, to admit when I’m wrong, be affectionate and offer grace. To give them myself, even the messy parts. God has called me as a mother to be intentional about sharing who He is and who Jesus is to my children. And for me this happens all day long. Not just through stories and His word but by living life in a way so that they "hopefully" see me more often as humble and in need and God as the one who supplies.

Hard, yes. Worth it, incredibly.

My heart has been burdened that I can’t just say the words. I can’t just offer platitudes and good jobs. I can’t just sit on the sidelines and hope they catch on. There’s hard, intentional work to be done. My daughter isn’t going to catch on like one catch’s a cold. We’re building a foundation together.

Creating a family, creating a legacy, creating a life together. Being intentional about what that looks like, how's it's played out, and what stays and what goes has helped.

In those years of waiting for children, Alex and I began to imagine the type of life we would want if we ever had children. And there are moments, like Saturdays as we sit and listen to the music at the Farmer’s Market, where my heart swells because those fleeting notions are turning into reality.

Everyone has a different vision of this…that’s what is so fantastic. Everyone has a vision for their family, for their children. Some are world driven and others heaven focused. But we all have some sort of thing we are being intentional about imparting.

For us, we’re attempting to be intentional about creating a family atmosphere that’s full of love and grace and forgiveness. Where fun things happen as a family and where one can always feel safe. We want our daughters to enjoy being with us. We watched families, we've asked advice, gleaned wisdom and are attempting to put it into practice.

We are intentional about teaching our girls about who God is daily. If they don’t learn who He is from what we share and how we act, speak and behave, they will leave our house ill-equipped. Even if He never calls our daughters to true faith in His son, I pray they leave our house with a real and authentic view of who Jesus is.

Being intentional never seemed so daunting or difficult as it does but thankfully God is with me in this and I know that discipleship is always worth the hard work put in. As someone who has sought out a mentor and been poured into for the past 10 years, discipleship is worth every minute, even as adults.

Practical application?

We don’t give up even though we want to sometimes. We keep imparting the same truths over and over again. We train, we encourage, we offer grace, we are quick to listen and slow to anger (try!!), and we continually offer opportunities for Elizabeth to practice what she is learning. For her, it’s sharing, walking and staying close to mom when in a store, listening and obeying, sitting through dinner, pouring water, getting dressed, and praying. She has her own little prayer she knows. “Thank you Jesus, Amen.” They’re never too little to learn God’s word or speak to Him.

For the fall, I’m hoping to create a little curriculum alongside the monthly truth’s our church is teaching to our kids on Sunday’s. This month they are learning that “God Made Me” and it’s become a theme we can focus on throughout the month. Nothing fancy, nothing Pinterest-y. Just talking about how God made her. Every part of her.

For me, I’ve had to turn off the world a bit to be more intentional. That peripheral fluff has to go…otherwise I’m distracted by the minor things. Even though I don’t have a physical “boss” I have a boss who’s watching every move. Who gives grace and offers second chances over and over again. I have a God who cares how my day goes and one who has given me the tools to be intentional in my mothering.

He’s called me to go and make disciples…and He’s given me two right in front of me.

 

*in case anyone is wondering, here are the books I’ve read all the way through and have really enjoyed and found incredibly resourceful and helpful*

Ministry of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson

Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson

For the Family’s Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay

Disciplines of a Godly Family by R. Kent Hughes

Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic

as well as these non-Christian books

French Kids Eat Everything by Karen La Billion

Bringing up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua

 

Favorite kid books

Jesus Storybook Bible and Thought’s to make your Heart Sing by Sally Lloyd Jones

Learn about God series by Carine Mackenzie

 

setting it in my heart

The walls are a little barren now that Christmas has gone and the new year has started. We’ve wiped away the chalk words declaring His birth and removed our advent calendars from their nails.

Slowly new adornments have been making their way out. First the small aqua cards to match the paper on our kitchen walls. And then the verses on the board marking the way as we come and go. And now the prints, printed off for their place by the coffee pot for an afternoon pick me up.

Because what we need most is the only thing that can tame the enemy. We need the word of God. The only sword that really pierces, through bone and marrow and we need it immediately, for when the sly little snake creeps up when we least expect.

One of my resolves for the year is to add more to my storehouse, more words in my mind and in my heart, so that when the enemy comes, because he will, I will be ready with my sword for slaying. And I’m realizing more and more that the momma I want to be is the momma that is so deeply and strongly hanging onto Jesus that when Elizabeth looks at me she sees a sinner in need of a Savior and not a momma who’s got it all together.

I want her to see a momma who has issues and who is fighting them with all she’s got, in the word and on the offensive. I want her to see and know we don’t play being Christian. We don’t walk around with the chip so big it will drown us upon our shoulders but we walk humbly, holding tightly, fighting and slaying in the name of the Lord, because the road of the believer is never perfect. And I want her to see and know how important it is to have the word of God deep down in her heart. So when she’s scared and feeling alone, the words will bring peace and comfort.

And how can we model if we’re not doing it. And how can we impress the importance of the things of life if we are not actively teaching. And every day I’ll stumble and get things wrong but how much better is that lesson, the lesson of grace.

This year to learn the Word I’m utilizing some of my favorite resources.

1. The Fighter Verse App…They have songs that accompany the verses (I sang the fighter verse at our last small group and turned varying shades of red), quizzes, and more. For Apple & Android. We post the fighter verse of the week on our chalkboard wall near our entry.

2. The 50 Promises cards from Summer Harms…I ordered these cards before Christmas and they are perfect for placing around your house. I love the verses! These are placed around our house but the one I’m working on is behind our kitchen sink.

3. The Jesus Project: Scripture Memorization for the rest of us by Ann Voscamp. Excellent post on memorizing scripture and super cute prints for placing on your wall.

Grab hold of your sword and let’s fight through…

Favorite things for a snowy winter

It’s been a long time since I’ve written about some of my favorites and as someone who has grown up in the snowy Midwest I thought it may be fun to make a list of my favorites for surviving the winter. I’ll be honest that after 8 years of nannying and now having our own little one, my favorites tend to be pretty practical. When it is blustering cold out and snow is everywhere, usefulness and practicality trump trendiness and fashion, although I hope these are not too utilitarian.

Ever since we’ve been married (just over 7 years) I’ve been working to transform my closet from one of very inexpensive, only last a season or two things to items that can last quite a bit longer. For me that means buying quality brands, made of quality materials, and usually means I spend a bit more. Though as one who can rarely pay full price, most items are scooped up at the end of season for a steal. I often, for bigger purchases, think of the cost per wear and the perfect illustrations would be designer jeans (my favorite pair just got a hole in the knee after 8 years) and a great wool coat (lasting many, many years.) Both items are investments but I like things that still look new after a few years and wear well. Although my favorite places to buy designer denim are EBay and Nu Look Consignment in Mpls.

Winter Coats:

This is one area where I’ve really morphed from wannabe fashionista into I.just.want.to.be.warm. I have four winter coats all for different purposes. Might sound excessive and really it probably is but they all have a purpose and they’ve all lasted seemingly forever. I have a ski coat, a down sweater (which might be my favorite), a long down coat, and a wool coat. If I had to get rid of any of them it would be a toss up between my ski coat and the wool one. Surprise you?

I’ve just realized that there are a few criteria that really matter and here they are in order of preference:

1. Warmth factor  2. Easy to clean/wipe/wear with kids   3. Somewhat fashionable

#2 has easily become something that has risen from the bottom to the top. Wrangling a toddler with messy boots or snowy coats or just wrangling them in and of itself with everything else like groceries, etc. I want what I am wearing to withstand the abuse and still keep me warm.

It follows along with the reasons I still carry a diaper bag. I want my nice coats and purses to stay nice. That’s what it has come down to. I want to be able to go out with girlfriends or my husband and not have dried snot on my nice coat or spilled milk in my purse. Because inevitably no matter how hard I try otherwise those two things will eventually happen. If I pay a premium for a nice thing I’ll try my hardest to keep it that way. I’m enough of a klutz to ruin it myself. I

So I’ve surrendered to motherhood and if I look like a mom, good. I waited a long time.

As far as boots…I’m still deciding. I want something that is easy to get on, is waterproof, still looks somewhat fashionable but more importantly keeps my feet warm and dry. These are the two top contenders from REI. By the way, REI is amazing. Did you know that you can return things a year later? That is so handy when you buy kids winter clothing at the end of the year and need to buy multiple sizes because you don’t know what will fit. AMAZING!!

And as far as the rest of our family goes in surviving the Midwest winters…Elizabeth and Alex have down sweaters. Alex’s is from Eddie Bauer (usually their coats go 50% off) and E’s is from REI, the REI brand. I’m hoping they made a version this year because I would snatch it up in an instant for next year. Best part about the down sweaters are they are incredibly warm. You wouldn’t think so given their size and how light they are but seriously warm. And they compact well so car seat straps can still get really tight.

 

 

Top Row: 1. Kids Down Sweater 2. Merrell Nikita Boot  3. J.Crew Wool Coat

Middle Row: 1. Eddie Bauer Down Coat 2. Upcycled Sweater Mittens

Bottom Row: 1. Eddie Bauer Down Sweater 2. Sorel Tofino Boot 3. Patagonia Down Sweater

 

As far as buying, sales get incredible right after the holidays. I’ve scooped up all the coats above at least 50% off which is incredible pricing for the quality. I’m hoping to hold out on boots until I find a fantastic deal but I might cave considering we just got a slew of sloppy wet snow. And as far as gloves are concerned…I love upcycled sweater mittens. They keep my hands toasty warm and wool is amazing at keeping water out. I’m on the hunt for a pair for Elizabeth. I bought mine at a local craft fair but they are available all over Etsy or you could make your own:)

And somehow I forgot, but warm socks are a must. Our drawers are full of Smartwool and REI brand wool socks but this year I learned of a new winner: DARN TOUGH. They have a lifetime guarantee. LIFETIME GUARANTEE. We rarely get holes in our wool socks but they can occur. That is amazing.

What are your families favorite things for surviving the winter?

Devotional from today

Today I had the honor of giving the devotional at our MOMS group at church. I don’t normally do things like that but it was a very encouraging thing for me to do and hopefully my random thoughts encouraged someone. But a friend asked what I shared, so I thought why not just put it here. Because I prefer to write things down I took this up and basically read it word for word with some added fodder and attempted to look up so as not to seem like a horrible public speaker.

So here you go:

My husband and I, after 2 years of marriage, began to think that starting a family would be a good thing. But we didn’t end up having our daughter until our 6^th year of marriage so it took us awhile. And the waiting was hard. And something I really struggled with was letting go of the idea of being a parent. I had a fear that we would be childless, or more broadly, that my vision for the future would not be as I imagined. And I had to face that fear.

Our story was kind of unique in that my husband, while he wanted children, he could also could imagine our future without them. And that really scared me. Because I had always wanted to be a mother. In fact, all through college I struggled to find something comparable. Something I’d do until I had children. I remember telling my dad at one point, “but dad I just want to be a mom and be on the PTA.”

But God had a different plan for us. And while we waited I steeped myself in the word and wrestled through the promises and sought to know who God said He was and what that meant for me.

And I found that God is all we need. God is a giver of all good things. God is incredibly good and no evil resides within him. God is not withholding something I want because he is mean, he’s withholding because he has something better. God is our refuge; we can joyfully abide under his wings. God is for us, all the time.

And I sat in Psalm 62 and 63.

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God, he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times.” Psalm 62:5-8

“I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands” Psalm 63:2-4

And after waiting for 3 ½ years we got pregnant twice and those babies are now at the feet of Jesus. No better place for them to be I’ve come to discern. And soon after those losses, He gave us our Elizabeth. I had realized through the waiting, through the Word, through the tears and unknowns, and through the losses that God was more than enough for everything I was walking through.

More than Enough.

He kept me, encouraged me, held me, loved me, helped me, cared for me, provided what I needed in His word, gave me wisdom from the pulpit to feed my soul, and then He gave us our daughter when we least expected it.

I can still remember the day, after taking a break from medical intervention, when my husband shared that he felt it was time to go back. We were on a year long sabbatical from trying for babies, discerning what the Lord had for us in the future, figuring out how to move forward. And the Lord had just brought me to a place that I knew I would be okay, in Him, if we never had children. My dream, my fear had been surrendered at the feet of Jesus, knowing that whatever He had in store for us was good and better than parenthood. I stood on the ground that God was more than enough and just a few months later He gave us Elizabeth.

It seems when we our given a gift we never even thought possible, the gift has far greater meaning. Like the cross and forgiveness through the blood of Jesus. We call Elizabeth tangible grace when we speak of the Lord’s goodness to us. She’s undeserved favor that we can enjoy with our own two hands.

And we’ve all been given good gifts from the Lord. I’ll assume if you’re here you probably have children. And our children are incredible blessings from the Lord, gifts given, tangible grace. And all good gifts are meant to be enjoyed for our joy and for His glory. It is good to delight in our children.

From a spirit of fear that our future would not be as I thought it would, to fully believing that God was enough even if we never had that dream fulfilled, has given me such freedom to enjoy the gift He has given us in our daughter and helped me in the days and hours when parenting is really hard work.

God, everyday in our parenting, in the struggles, in the pain, in the rejoicing, in the waiting for salvation, in the moments we want to pull our hair out. He is always enough, well more than enough for us.

We can find rest in Him because He alone is our ever present help in time of need, our refuge, our mighty rock. He alone is better than life and He is more than enough for everything that comes our way.

Scenes from our weekend

Played with rice and made a mess

made pumpkin swirl yeast bread

watched a modern day “barn” raising

Picked out clothing and had family pictures taken

Rolled in the covers on the floor

Read truth and books upon books