Babies, Infertility and thoughts on more

I can distinctly remember sitting in the office of our Reproductive Endocrinologist and seeing Elizabeth’s heartbeat on the screen. At 7 weeks pregnant and two miscarriages behind me the sight of the small little flicker on the screen brought tears to my eyes. And after our meeting we gave our RE a hug and it felt a bit awkward. This was the last time, hopefully, we would set foot in this office. A place where we learned of our miscarriages, hoped for babies, cried tears of sadness and joy, and became friends in a way. She must have sensed our position and gently said, “you can come back to see me when the baby is a year old or you never know, pregnancy has a way of sometimes resetting your hormones.”

Come back at a year old. All I remember thinking once Elizabeth was a year old was that I was NOT ready to go back to the Doctor. Not then and really not now. There is no part of me that wants to walk that emotionally exhausting road again. And yet, I’m not certain I do not want more babies.

The only way I can explain it is this way: When Elizabeth was given to us to be a part of our lives, we felt as though everything we asked for and wanted came to fruition. We waited and we asked for a baby. And we were given a baby. For Alex and I, we feel overwhelmed by God’s goodness to us in not only hearing but answering in way that lavishly showed His love for us.

And in my heart, somehow I just can’t make sense of how I could possibly even ask for more. It’s kind of like when you are given something you have always wanted and you are so stunned you cannot even imagine asking for more. Stunned to silence. Stunned with gratitude.

Infertility has changed me. It has made me one hundred percent acknowledge that when it comes to reproduction we play a very small role. We can plan and chart and have sex and take drugs and do this or that to better our chances. But God creates life. And He takes life.

And then around the time Elizabeth turned 15 months I began hearing friends and acquaintances talk about starting to plan for their next child. How to fund an adoption or space their children out. And I didn’t know quite what to do with what was going on in my heart. I knew that for us, for our road and our history, we couldn’t do those things. We couldn’t plan out our next child or even think about expecting another. My body didn’t work the first time and I had little hope it would work again a second time. How does one hope for something when they have been lavishing given more than they could ever ask for? And yet, this feeling began creeping up in my heart, Lord, I’m not certain I want Elizabeth to be an only child. I don’t know how to ask for more. It seems folly to even wonder or ask.

Not to mention the fact that it took a lot of medications and money and 3 long years to have Elizabeth. No doubt the Lord had us waiting for a reason and He gave when the timing was right, but the waiting. Oh the waiting was hard. And like I mentioned above I don’t even want to go there again.

So how does one ask, for something they absolutely cannot do on their own, for more abundant giving?

I’m perfectly content with Elizabeth. But there are days I grieve the knowledge that for her there may not be someone to play in the snow with or bicker with or tease her parents with.

So we’re just praying. Really not for answers or for another baby.

But for His will.

Because of how infertility has changed me, I know there is nothing I can do but leave it to Him.

Devotional from today

Today I had the honor of giving the devotional at our MOMS group at church. I don’t normally do things like that but it was a very encouraging thing for me to do and hopefully my random thoughts encouraged someone. But a friend asked what I shared, so I thought why not just put it here. Because I prefer to write things down I took this up and basically read it word for word with some added fodder and attempted to look up so as not to seem like a horrible public speaker.

So here you go:

My husband and I, after 2 years of marriage, began to think that starting a family would be a good thing. But we didn’t end up having our daughter until our 6^th year of marriage so it took us awhile. And the waiting was hard. And something I really struggled with was letting go of the idea of being a parent. I had a fear that we would be childless, or more broadly, that my vision for the future would not be as I imagined. And I had to face that fear.

Our story was kind of unique in that my husband, while he wanted children, he could also could imagine our future without them. And that really scared me. Because I had always wanted to be a mother. In fact, all through college I struggled to find something comparable. Something I’d do until I had children. I remember telling my dad at one point, “but dad I just want to be a mom and be on the PTA.”

But God had a different plan for us. And while we waited I steeped myself in the word and wrestled through the promises and sought to know who God said He was and what that meant for me.

And I found that God is all we need. God is a giver of all good things. God is incredibly good and no evil resides within him. God is not withholding something I want because he is mean, he’s withholding because he has something better. God is our refuge; we can joyfully abide under his wings. God is for us, all the time.

And I sat in Psalm 62 and 63.

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God, he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times.” Psalm 62:5-8

“I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands” Psalm 63:2-4

And after waiting for 3 ½ years we got pregnant twice and those babies are now at the feet of Jesus. No better place for them to be I’ve come to discern. And soon after those losses, He gave us our Elizabeth. I had realized through the waiting, through the Word, through the tears and unknowns, and through the losses that God was more than enough for everything I was walking through.

More than Enough.

He kept me, encouraged me, held me, loved me, helped me, cared for me, provided what I needed in His word, gave me wisdom from the pulpit to feed my soul, and then He gave us our daughter when we least expected it.

I can still remember the day, after taking a break from medical intervention, when my husband shared that he felt it was time to go back. We were on a year long sabbatical from trying for babies, discerning what the Lord had for us in the future, figuring out how to move forward. And the Lord had just brought me to a place that I knew I would be okay, in Him, if we never had children. My dream, my fear had been surrendered at the feet of Jesus, knowing that whatever He had in store for us was good and better than parenthood. I stood on the ground that God was more than enough and just a few months later He gave us Elizabeth.

It seems when we our given a gift we never even thought possible, the gift has far greater meaning. Like the cross and forgiveness through the blood of Jesus. We call Elizabeth tangible grace when we speak of the Lord’s goodness to us. She’s undeserved favor that we can enjoy with our own two hands.

And we’ve all been given good gifts from the Lord. I’ll assume if you’re here you probably have children. And our children are incredible blessings from the Lord, gifts given, tangible grace. And all good gifts are meant to be enjoyed for our joy and for His glory. It is good to delight in our children.

From a spirit of fear that our future would not be as I thought it would, to fully believing that God was enough even if we never had that dream fulfilled, has given me such freedom to enjoy the gift He has given us in our daughter and helped me in the days and hours when parenting is really hard work.

God, everyday in our parenting, in the struggles, in the pain, in the rejoicing, in the waiting for salvation, in the moments we want to pull our hair out. He is always enough, well more than enough for us.

We can find rest in Him because He alone is our ever present help in time of need, our refuge, our mighty rock. He alone is better than life and He is more than enough for everything that comes our way.

Finding solid ground

Yesterday I rambled on and on about my conflicting feelings over my first mother’s day. Embracing this new role has come easy in some ways and has thrown me for a loop in others. It’s a work in progress.

But after much discussing, reflecting, praying and reading I’m finding some clarity…

Being a mother, after being a wife, was my hearts desire since I was a little girl. I never had those vast sweeping notions of being a doctor or lawyer or even have a career beyond the home. The only professions that came close as a little girl and then as an adult were a missionary or a teacher, both obviously very key pieces to mothering. When we got married, being a wife just seemed to fit. I love to serve Alex and keep our home. And as we awaited our next steps, I found joy in mothering other children.

But as we waited, I found my heart grappling with things I would hear throughout Christian circles and even within our own church (although rarely). The common phrase that motherhood “is a woman’s highest calling” and women are “saved through childbirth” began to weigh on my heart. And as we waited I worked though these…falling back on the fact that the Lord created us for His glory and our highest true calling is following after him. How could God withhold this “highest calling” from my life? Now I don’t believe these to be fully accurate.

And now that I’m on this side, I have tasted and seen what an incredible gift it is to be a mother. It’s a sanctifying, self-sacrificing, building up, molding, and discipling kind of work. And I love most every moment. My heart is full for the task the Lord has set before me and I’m ever grateful that I get to wake up and do what I’ve longed to do each and every day. Seriously. I pinch myself at times.

It’s a noble calling and one worth every ounce of energy. We have the joy of bringing up the next generation, using the wisdom and grace the Lord has given us to pour truth into another heart. It’s a good and wise profession to be a worker at home and to raise children. But I still do not think it is my highest calling. And as far as being saved through childbirth, I like this view from John MacArthur.

So yesterday, I fell into uncertainty as I faced a day I previously struggled through. In the past I focused on honoring mothers, our own and others, but the emptiness of my arms still stung. And now with heart and arms full this Mother’s Day I struggled through the fact that here I was, on the other side, embracing the gift of Elizabeth, the one who made me a mother. Why me?

Here I am, by the grace of the Lord, living a life I could only hope for. So undeserving. And still learning how to embrace this good, noble calling of motherhood when I still know the pain that comes in waiting and knowing so many who were struggling for joy yesterday. Knowing how to care for hurting hearts while holding the thing longed for is a delicate thing. And this expands beyond the walls of infertility.

God was good to give us Elizabeth. These past months have proved, only like few other times in my life, to be sanctifying months. We prayed when we waited for babies, not mainly for the task of parenting, but for the sanctification that parenting brings. And He’s answering that prayer ten-fold, for His glory and our good.

But by the end of the day yesterday, I found joy in accepting and embracing the gift of motherhood. God gave us Elizabeth, in His perfect wisdom, in His perfect timing and in doing so gave me the honor of being her mother. Why, I don’t know but I’m hoping maybe one day I’ll find out?

Sometimes accepting God’s good gifts can be staggeringly difficult.

And I’m learning there’s grace for that.

This is for you

One would think this day would be me great joy; for I am a mother. But to me it’s another reminder of years of hurt, of friends and family hurting.

I’m not saying it’s not enjoyable to be celebrated or to celebrate. My mother is one of my best friends. I couldn’t imagine life without her. And she deserves to be celebrated; for her sacrifice, love, encouragement, and grace.

I can celebrate her everyday…just as she deserves to be.

But there are others; friends and siblings who have lost their mother, plenty of friends who have been told they can never have children, and those still awaiting motherhood. No matter how much you try to celebrate others and try to avoid your own heart emotions, they creep up. There’s a void on this day. A hurt in your heart. I remember the years we waited for this…and to be honest now that it’s here, being celebrated isn’t on the top of my list.

To me it’s just another day.

To you who are hurting, who are waiting, who are trying to understand, who are grieving, who need hope, who want to hide from reality today…

I’m not offering words of “encouragement” like so many offer: everyone is a mother to someone , at least you had your mother for quite some time, you’ll be a mother soon…I’m offering you the hope from the one who knows.

”For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”  Hebrews 4:15-16

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

He is with you. He will carry you. He will wipe the tears. He will hold your hand. He hears your cries. He knows your pain. He is near. He is enough.

Thinking of all of you, who are waiting, hoping, hurting, grieving on this day.

Sending hugs and love.

And then came you

Late in January, Alexander John came into this world. Strong and fair, weighing in at a hefty 10 pounds. And He knew where he would go and what he would be. As he pounded nails and built cities in his dreams, He was creating in him a passion for His name. And when the day came and he fell on knees broken, He changed him. Old to new, sorrow to joy.  And he waited for her and for this. 32 years.


10 months later, in late November, Andrea Beth was born on her sister’s day. 8 lbs. 6 oz. And He knew where her feet would walk and how her heart would ache. As she rocked babies to sleep with visions of motherhood in her mind, He instead was creating in her a passion for His name. And when her eyes were opened to His glory and she surrendered all, He wrapped her in arms of love, saying He’d never let go. And her hurts were healed, sorrows swept away. And she waited for him and for this. 31 years.


And after years of waiting, He brought boy and girl together.  With a story all their own, and a love so strong, holy covenant made in early September, with laden branches of fruit setting the stage.  And they worshipped Him. Receive the glory, Lord. Joy filled their hearts. The start of life’s adventure.  Together. 5 years of humbling love.


And life continued and they waited, pattering feet on their minds. Vials of medications filling countertops, doctor visits.  Monthly tears, barren womb. Hearts steadfast on His promises. Knowing He was all they need. And they prayed and they asked, “O Lord, only your will…” They walked and their eyes saw the Lord magnified, holding them in sorrow, eyes weeping. Two babies at His feet. Three years they waited on Him.  For this.

 
And then came you. A sweet answer to prayer. Three years waited, you were given by Him. So unworthy; undeserved kindness from the Lord. You will see, oh we pray, how good and loving our God is. Baby, our hearts were distrusting at times, your life unknown. But He knew. Ours for today.  A blessed little gift, so undeserved.  To ask for days in this fallen, broken world seemed folly, but we so wanted you. To hold and love.  To show just how amazing He is.  How He keeps us and loves us. 

You are grace from Heaven. The Almighty giving. Answered prayer. 


Sweet baby ours, you’re on our minds…hearts and mouths petitioning for more and more grace, for more days we don’t deserve with you, for a lifetime of being mommy and daddy. We love you. And we’ll wait…6 more months until you are in our arms.

We are happy to announce that Baby Brogle is due July 8th, 2012!

Let Us Love One Another

“But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the

same care for one another.  If one member suffers, all suffer together;

if one member is honored, all rejoice together.”  

1 Corinthians 12:24b-25

Today I had the special opportunity to guest post over at Hoping in God.  My good friend Jackie, whom I met through our blogs, has been featuring a great series on how to love your infertile friend.  My post today shares that when we can see past the lines of infertile/fertile, young/old, married/single, and live as women of God all bound together in the sisterhood of Christ, we can bring Him glory and bring love to one another.  Check it out here!


This morning while reading through my reader I came across 2 great posts that were so good and applicable to us as women that I needed to share them.  Take a look, they are great encouragement!

When It’s Hard to Find Time for God in Prayer by Ann Voscamp

The Superpower Every Girl Has by Emily Freeman

Encouragement for the Weary

As dawn breaks on the new day, my heart and my head need to be shaken awake.  I long to sleep and rest and spend the day with You.  The gentle wake of reality hits as sun breaks through the shades and the day is upon me.  The needs of the day quickly make themselves known and work has begun; making, sweeping, helping, holding.

About the day I go, taking in my surroundings; friends, family, those unknown to me, living the life the has been accorded to them.  Babies cry, toddlers question, mommies groan under pressure, men are off to work.  Life is happening all around me; and here I am, grappling for enough strength to get me through this life all around.  Grace to listen to the day of mommies, strength to see the calendar laid open and my thwarted plans unveiled, faith to wade through the lies that await me. 

And along the way words spring up in my cavernous heart;

“Come to me all who labor and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I await and find my being in the rest from the Father who knows we grow weary.  Who knows the ushering in of August has wracked my heart with grief.  Who cares so for my broken heart.  Who carries me through the echoing of mother’s continual talk of life with pattering feet.  He knows my every need, before the feelings every hit my heart.

My heart is growing weary, my tongue is tied only by His grace, and I know I’m not alone, traveling through the bunkers this world has laid among us.

And again, by His mercy I find myself echoing promises, for that is the only way I know to keep moving forward, step by step, through this life, through the day, through tomorrow. 

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

My eyes are set on autumn, the ushering in of a new season, praying that with the reaping of wheat there will be abundance for my soul.

One Week Later, Seeing His Grace

Source: kymmanuel.tumblr.com via Andrea on Pinterest

It’s been a week or so now.  And like any grieving process, emotions come and go.  But through the rain, we’ve seen His grace.  And we’re thankful, that He has given us the ability to see Him, see His mercy and grace.  It wouldn’t be right not to share what He’s been doing behind the scenes, ways He’s shown us He’s orchestrating the details, making good come. 

Here’s ways we’ve seen His grace, in the big and very minute details.

1.  On Wednesday, following our ultrasound appointment, we were very much looking forward to a long weekend in WI where Alex would play in a golf tournament with my brother.  We were unable to go, but Thursday morning my brother called to say the golf course had flooded.  He showed love and the tournament was cancelled.  This was His grace.

2.  With two doctor’s communicating the same unexpected outcome of molar pregnancy, we petitioned it wouldn’t be, we so did not want to wait 6+ months, never mind the problems that could happen.  He answered, and by His grace, it was not molar.

3.  Having our weekend plans altered, we were free to do anything.  He allowed for us to have sweet fellowship with friends, and it brought life to our hearts.  This was His grace. 

4.  Right after we found out we were expecting I looked in the mirror and realized I should have colored my hair before this…it was going to be a long 9 months.  The gray was already more than peeking through.  I’m seeing His grace, that in this break, I can color my hair.  (it’s the little things) 

5.  We received word from our doctors this week that things are looking good, and come August, we can try again if we are ready.  This is a sweet, sweet grace from Him.  Unexpected, and yet it has filled our hearts with the hope we longed for.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, 

that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”  

Hebrews 4:16

miracle drug

Mont

h by month, I wait.

Every month I hope my body will do what it was created to do.  And because of my PCOS month by month pass by and nothing happens. 

FYI, if you are a guy and you are reading this (I know there are a few), you might want to skip this post.  Girl talk coming up…

I’m not sure if I was ever regular by those means.  I guess there were times I was more or less regular, I mean I lived in a house full of girls through college and I’m sure the old adage held true.  Everyone’s cycles collaborating until the whole house had PMS together.  Pretty sure we experienced that a time or two.  But ever since I went to France things have never been the same.

If you’ve taken a glimpse at the Infertility page you’ll know my body doesn’t function like most women’s.  My hormones are all wacky.  The last update I gave concluded that we were trying to figure out what might help my body to start working again, either naturally or medically, on our break from treatment. I thought it was time for an update.

120+ days later wishing my favorite Aunt would visit and I have to admit, I was a little worried.  At my annual exam with my favorite Doctor ever, (Dr. Angela Wermerskirchen…seriously she’s a believer and she’s the sweetest and most thoughtful Dr. ever) she said I needed to have 3 cycles a year or there might be problems.  (Note: one reason this became a big deal, PCOS can lead to uterine cancer, and my grandmother actually had it, uterine cancer that is.)  So if you are good at math, you know that if I went more than 120+ days the probability of my having 3 cycles was pretty slim.

So although we gave a good ole college try to Vitex, I called in my script for Metformin.  Metformin is actually an insulin-sensitizing drug that has been shown to help regulate cycles in women with PCOS, although I don’t have insulin resistance but I started taking it anyways. This article explains it perfectly.

5 days later Aunt Flo came to say hello.  Seriously Alex and I were jumping up and down giving high five’s.  Not kidding.

35 days later she came again.  Even bigger party going on over here.  Now we’re doing chest bumps and air guitar due to utter joy. 

I think the neighbors are beginning to wonder.

Seriously, hands raised high, we’re thanking Jesus from the rooftops for using this medication to help my body function.  Who knows, maybe it will even decide to ovulate on its own.  That would be cause for a party.  Wonder what we’d put on the invitations?  Thoughts?

So that’s the update for anyone that was interested.  My body is learning to function on its own.  We’re rejoicing over here as we never thought in a million years this would happen. 

An ordinary miracle.

a season of change

“better is the end of a thing than it's beginning” (ecc. 7:8)

“The faithfulness of God is why the perseverance of man (and little girls) is so important.  What you’re seeing now is middles, freeze frames, the crest of the curve and now it’s falling arc, the ball as it looks snapped in mid-air by your Polaroid. 

But “you have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful” (James 5:11)”….We haven’t seen the fallout of this yet, the gentle misting rain of grace.  Of a love and power that more abounds where sin and tragedy abound…so wait on the Lord, little one, wait.  Because of the promises.  Because “the proper time” He will lift you up (1 Peter 5:6).  Because His compassions are new every morning.  Because He is good to those whose hope is in Him (Lam. 3:22).  Wait on the Lord, child, and be still.   Because we haven’t seen all the fallout of this yet.”

                           Excerpt from In Due Time 

“Won’t let you go until you bless me” by Andree Seu

Change is ahead.  I’ve just got to hold tight to the hand that never lets go.  Today is a new day, for this IS the day the Lord has made.  This season, it’s full of change.  It’s full of heartache.  Sorrowful yet always rejoicing.  Make my heart that way.  You are so worth this…all of it.

On the infertility end, many of you know we have made the heart wrenching decision to stop treatment.  I don’t know when or if we will try it again.  I don’t know when or if the Lord will bless us with children of our own.  I don’t know what’s in store.  But I know my heart.  It’s time for a break.  Time to dig deep, fight sin, cast out idols.  It’s funny how something so good to hope for can become sin, so quickly, instantly.  A calling for women, it’s in us.  Most of us at least.  There is a desire, a God given desire, to be married and have children.  It’s God’s good plan.  And yet the waiting season, “is preparing for me an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison”…It’s just incredibly hard to lay down a desire so deep within me at the foot of the cross…but Lord, I trust you, I trust your plan for us, as hard as this is.  I will follow you…for your way is better than life.

{Reposted from  9/27/10}

are you there god?

It’s me…Andrea.

I know you are.  You are here with me right now.  You hold me as the tears fall, you encourage me in your word, your promises speak new life into my sinful, wayward, hurting heart.  And yet, I have to ask.

You have proved over and over again that I can trust you.  I can, right?

That’s when I hear you.  You whisper in my ear…Andrea, I’m here with you, it’s going to be okay, this is right where you are supposed to be, I have your best in mind.  Though it may not feel that way, I have promised you that I am with you.  I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, You are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you,  When you are afraid, put your trust in me.  Come to me…remember who I am.  I am who I am.

You are good.
You are constant.
You are sovereign.
You are love.
You are faithful.
You are abba.
You are provider.
You are creator.
You are redeemer.
You are God alone.

Lord, this trial may not seem as difficult as what others face, it may seem silly and contrite to others, I can try to be stronger than I am…

But it’s the struggle in our life journey right now, it’s the fight for faith, it’s the daily reminder to trust in who you say you are…and it’s hard.

In the words of Marc Heinrich…

When the trial comes, And all hope seems lost,
I will find my strength
In the mighty cross
Only Him…Only Jesus…Only there is joy in sorrow found…

{reposted from  8/14/10}

enough

The all-sufficient one...El Shaddai...The Lord is enough

For Abraham in Genesis, the Lord was enough.  He was the "pourer forth," the one who pours himself out for his creation (noted from Lord I want to know You, Kay Arthur).  His Grace is sufficient, He is enough.  This is what the Lord has been teaching my heart these past few days.  No matter what comes our way, no matter the day and hour, He is all sufficient...enough.

When I am honest with myself, like I was yesterday, I know I am not acknowledging the Lord as enough.  There are things I want, things I don't understand, things that hurt.

As a child, I always wanted to be the mommy to my dolls, stuffed animals, to anything.  I'm a nanny.  I was a early childhood major in grad school.  It's obvious I love children.  Right now, the one thing I was ready for, wanting, thought might come a little easier, is not.  About a month ago, I was referred to an Infertility Specialist.  Disheartening, yes.  Encouraging, maybe.  A test of faith, absolutely.

Maybe we'll get pregnant, maybe not.  But at the end of the day, I hear my Savior asking, "Am I enough?"  Yes Lord, whether you open my womb or not You are ENOUGH!

As I stumble down this new road, new path for our lives, I'm grasping hold of the verse that always comforts my heart:

"You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off";

fear not for I am with you,

be not dismayed, for I am your God,

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  ( Isaiah 41:9b-10)

God's righteous right hand refers to Jesus...I want to be upheld by Jesus, the perfecter of my faith.  God hasn't promised to open my womb, to bless us with children, to make life easy, but he has promised that He will be with us every step of the way...rejoicing with us and suffering with us and at the end of the day, that is more than ENOUGH!

{reposted from 11/05/09}

god has a sense of humor

First things first, I got myself out of the house for a great walk/run this morning.  It was during this great endorphin high that I realized how irony and humor come in to play when it comes to the Lord.

During this season of not knowing whether my body will ever be able to bring forth life, the Lord has been good to me, even causing a chuckle here or there.  I've been focusing on the goodness of the Lord and how being with him is better than life, any life.  So on my walk, I was checking my google reader and guess what, yet another person was pregnant.  Whether it's people I know personally or in the blogosphere, this is the time for bringing forth life.

During this season, I have a few choices...I can be embittered by this, acknowledge it and forge ahead, or I can embrace it and be joyful for those who are expecting.  I'm in between the latter two, because if I'm honest being embittered just does not fit my personality.  There are things better than children...like chocolate for instance, or so I'm fighting to believe!

So back to google reader...after reading the post, I laughed out loud.  Good thing there wasn't anyone around, it was quite a chuckle I had with the Lord.  He's pretty funny!  Why was I laughing and thinking he has a sense of humor.  Because I believe that sometimes the Lord puts trials in our lives to produce in us godliness, endurance, and faith in his will, not ours.

  "we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces charachter, and characherter produces hope..." Romans 5:3-4

I had a little conversation with the Lord at that point here's a quick synopsis:

me:  Lord, you're pretty funny...seriously, another person, you have got to be kidding...(insert laughter)

lord:  kidding, i am not. 

me: i know, Lord.  you are better than life, better than a baby, better than anything.  it will be okay, even if you never bless us with children, because you are better than anything this life can offer.

lord:  know this..."In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world" John 16:33

me:  thanks for the overflowing of life...i can laugh now at the irony, because i'm growing in my understanding of who you are and why you put trials in our way...thank you for testing my faith.

{reposted from 11/18/09}

gona-what?!?

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, sho does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Phillipians 4:4-7

I'm thankful for friends who are helping me pull through.  I'm thankful for a tender and caring husband who is learning that just being there is enough.  I'm thankful for my mother and the words she speaks about God's goodness.  I'm thankful for doctors who are forging ahead, not dwelling on things that don't work and not wasting our money.  I'm thankful for all of my friends that are pregnant right now (which is a lot)...don't ever believe the lie that I am not happy for you...I am!  I'm thankful that my God is SOVEREIGN, GOOD, LOVING, and that His will is always PERFECT.

The reason I have been sharing our struggle with fertility is because of how blessed I have been by the wisdom, insight, and care from others.  It seems a little bit more normal then, not like the elephant in the room that no one is asking about.  Also I know people are interested...even if they do not admit it.  And finally, because when I hear, read, am invited in to share in others' struggles I am almost always blessed myself.  I could not go through this alone and if I did the pit would be beckoning me every step of the way.  You, friends, have pointed me to the  cross and for that I am so very thankful.

It's not an easy struggle...but the Lord gives life.  He alone creates children and I believe wholeheartedly in a God who incredibly Sovereign, even in things that do not seem to make sense.  Even if we are never able to have our own children.  Even if he takes Alex away. 

To give you a brief glimpse of where we are...clomid did not work.  Ovaries are still stubborn and unwilling to ovulate.  So we are moving on.  The greatest blessing this week was that we are not so far away from meeting our deductible so the next 4 cycles of treatment will be paid for 100%.  That is a huge blessing.  We're moving on to Gonadotraphins.  Here's to 2010:)  Cheers!

{reposted from  12/18/09}

round 2

PCOS

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is one of the most common female endocrine disorders affecting approximately 5%-10% of women of reproductive age (12-45years old) and is one of the leading causes of infertility.

The principal features are obesity, anovulation (resulting in irregular menstruation), acne, and excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among women. While the causes are unknown, insulin resistance, diabetes, and obesity are all strongly correlated with PCOS.

This is what we are dealing with.  If you read the description above you will notice that I don't really meet the qualifying markers.  I am not overweight by any means, do not have excessive hair, am not insulin resistant, nor do I have any abnormal hormonal issues.  Which puts me in the an even smaller percentage.  I am thin, have cystic ovaries, and do not menstruate on my own.  The usual protocol is to lose weight, eat low carb, go on metformin an insulin drug, and clomid.  Unfortunately I cannot lose weight and I am clomid resistant, meaning I did not respond at all.  So injections are the next step, which most of you already know.  Better than clomid and best of all last round, two little eggs released...which is a huge blessing of it's own:)

Round 2 starts Saturday...wish us luck:)  and Stop us! if we ever set foot to adopt a pet in another country!!

{reposted from 2/6/1012

what to do now?

It didn't work.  Round 4 didn't work.

My head knows the reason why, but my heart, oh my heart hurts.  A lot.

My mouth keeps proclaiming "God is Good...God is Good, all the time" and inside I feel my spirit doubting.  My wayward heart is having difficulty understanding, and yet I just keep repeating truth all the same.

A dear friend told me a few weeks ago that this was going to be a fight of faith, a battle against Satan.  It was easier to fight the battle last time.  This time, O Lord help me, fight the fight of faith.  Help me to fight to see your goodness.  To really believe deep in my soul, that this is your will and that right now, this is best.

14 months ago, Alex and I started trying for a family.  7 months ago, infertility treatments began.  We were ahead of the game, or so I thought.  But now, there are only a few options left.  Continuing at what we are trying, while paying lots of money, or IVF.  I know God works miracles, life is a miracle.  But I don't like my options. I think this is really the root of my heartache.  Thousands of dollars later, we're beginning to ask ourselves all sorts of questions.

How much do we spend before we are being unwise with our money?

What is the Lord telling us?  Is this His will?

Do we even consider IVF...is it even an option for us?

What do I do?  Do I continue to stay home?  

If it isn't working at 29, how will it work at 32?

Do we try again or take some time off?  Change doctors?

I worry about my ability to make a decision.  There is a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel, give up.  I know that is not the right response because I've learned it's my coping mechanism.  I never thought when we started all of this that we would end up here.   Basically exhausting.  This is an emotional process and I just don't know how long I can bear the heartache.  I know, people try for lots longer than we have...but it's discouraging to know you may have exhausted all of your options right out of the gate.

But I know this does not surprise God.  He knew it all along...he planned it.  And I know He's right here with me, comforting me, holding my hand as we walk through this.  He creates life and that makes it all the harder.

{reposted from 4/5/10}