What My Daughter’s Need Most

This past week so many thoughts passed through my mind. I contemplated getting rid of Facebook, shutting down my blog, reducing the amount of peripheral fluff. And I prayed and sought and talked with my husband. And I felt like never before such a strong urge to be intentional.

In the end, since I’m still writing here, the blog isn’t going anywhere. But I have placed some borders on my social media usage because sometimes the fluff gets in the way of what I really want to be focusing on. Being intentional.

Because what my daughter’s need most is their mother. Not a Pinterest inspired version. Just me. Just as I come. My heart, my love, my time, my attention.

Before Elizabeth was born I felt a strong urge for intentionality in my mothering. And after she came and I started reading the parenting books, it didn’t take me long to realize the parenting I wanted, the ministry of motherhood I longed for, wasn’t found in the pages of the books I had been given. I shut them all. In fact, I’ve really only read through 3 or 4 parenting books all the way through and I can assure you they are not the ones you may expect.

I began to get a little confused as to what my role was. I missed ministry and speaking into the lives of women and children. My husband in his own gracious way encouraged me to shut the books, to get rid of them, and to open the one book that would give me everything I needed. The Bible. And so, being the great wife I am, I followed his advice.

And then about a year later, I opened Sally Clarkson’s Ministry of Motherhood. I read through the first 3 chapters, wrote down some notes and shut the book (eventually I finished it!) She finally offered the words and the calling I was waiting to hear.

“I realized with the passing of each day that spiritual and emotional maturity would not just happen to my children because I wished it so. It would not come just from a passive example of my being good. Effective spiritual, emotional, and social training in the lives of my children would have to be both intentional and planned.” Ministry of Motherhood, p. 13

She put words to where my heart was stirring. Having been involved in campus ministry like Sally, I had discipled young women before. I had gained the wisdom of a discipleship model; to pour out my life investing in the next generation, living, loving, serving, training and pointing them to Jesus.

As soon as I read those chapters, I shut the book not because I didn’t like her advice, but because a light bulb went off. God was calling me as a mother to intentionally disciple my children. I had known this in a way prior to having Elizabeth but so much other fluff had been added. Peripheral things that seemed trivial in light of the Gospel. God calls parents to impart His word to them, to teach them about Himself, and to raise up children that know who He is. He asks more of us of course, but this is a foundational truth.

And I shut the book because that discipleship model I had been taught in college was something I knew how to do.

These girls, this season I’ve been given, is where my ministry is. Where my heart needs to be poured out. And discipleship happens best when you get involved and get intentional. It's messy and hard, there are questions and times of failure, but discipleship is coming alongside and teaching, equipping, helping and just plain being there.

The whole mystery of parenting fell away when I realized I just needed to rely on the Lord and set forth an intentional heart to focus on my daughters. Young children learn by observation. This is a known truth. They learn by watching what is going on around them. That’s why if you spend time with kids that are a little wild, your child will probably want to test out being a bit wild and that’s okay and very normal.

For me, knowing my daughters will be watching me, learning from me, copying me makes me not want to get my act together and do things perfectly, but instead to be ready. To be immersed in God’s word, to be authentic and real, to admit when I’m wrong, be affectionate and offer grace. To give them myself, even the messy parts. God has called me as a mother to be intentional about sharing who He is and who Jesus is to my children. And for me this happens all day long. Not just through stories and His word but by living life in a way so that they "hopefully" see me more often as humble and in need and God as the one who supplies.

Hard, yes. Worth it, incredibly.

My heart has been burdened that I can’t just say the words. I can’t just offer platitudes and good jobs. I can’t just sit on the sidelines and hope they catch on. There’s hard, intentional work to be done. My daughter isn’t going to catch on like one catch’s a cold. We’re building a foundation together.

Creating a family, creating a legacy, creating a life together. Being intentional about what that looks like, how's it's played out, and what stays and what goes has helped.

In those years of waiting for children, Alex and I began to imagine the type of life we would want if we ever had children. And there are moments, like Saturdays as we sit and listen to the music at the Farmer’s Market, where my heart swells because those fleeting notions are turning into reality.

Everyone has a different vision of this…that’s what is so fantastic. Everyone has a vision for their family, for their children. Some are world driven and others heaven focused. But we all have some sort of thing we are being intentional about imparting.

For us, we’re attempting to be intentional about creating a family atmosphere that’s full of love and grace and forgiveness. Where fun things happen as a family and where one can always feel safe. We want our daughters to enjoy being with us. We watched families, we've asked advice, gleaned wisdom and are attempting to put it into practice.

We are intentional about teaching our girls about who God is daily. If they don’t learn who He is from what we share and how we act, speak and behave, they will leave our house ill-equipped. Even if He never calls our daughters to true faith in His son, I pray they leave our house with a real and authentic view of who Jesus is.

Being intentional never seemed so daunting or difficult as it does but thankfully God is with me in this and I know that discipleship is always worth the hard work put in. As someone who has sought out a mentor and been poured into for the past 10 years, discipleship is worth every minute, even as adults.

Practical application?

We don’t give up even though we want to sometimes. We keep imparting the same truths over and over again. We train, we encourage, we offer grace, we are quick to listen and slow to anger (try!!), and we continually offer opportunities for Elizabeth to practice what she is learning. For her, it’s sharing, walking and staying close to mom when in a store, listening and obeying, sitting through dinner, pouring water, getting dressed, and praying. She has her own little prayer she knows. “Thank you Jesus, Amen.” They’re never too little to learn God’s word or speak to Him.

For the fall, I’m hoping to create a little curriculum alongside the monthly truth’s our church is teaching to our kids on Sunday’s. This month they are learning that “God Made Me” and it’s become a theme we can focus on throughout the month. Nothing fancy, nothing Pinterest-y. Just talking about how God made her. Every part of her.

For me, I’ve had to turn off the world a bit to be more intentional. That peripheral fluff has to go…otherwise I’m distracted by the minor things. Even though I don’t have a physical “boss” I have a boss who’s watching every move. Who gives grace and offers second chances over and over again. I have a God who cares how my day goes and one who has given me the tools to be intentional in my mothering.

He’s called me to go and make disciples…and He’s given me two right in front of me.

 

*in case anyone is wondering, here are the books I’ve read all the way through and have really enjoyed and found incredibly resourceful and helpful*

Ministry of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson

Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson

For the Family’s Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay

Disciplines of a Godly Family by R. Kent Hughes

Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic

as well as these non-Christian books

French Kids Eat Everything by Karen La Billion

Bringing up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua

 

Favorite kid books

Jesus Storybook Bible and Thought’s to make your Heart Sing by Sally Lloyd Jones

Learn about God series by Carine Mackenzie

 

Transitioning out of the crib

I’m not an expert at this.

In fact, I would probably caution you against proceeding in the same way. Our daughter is a month away from turning two and we will be due with our second in just four short months.

It was now or never in my mind.

And on Tuesday evening, just 30 minutes before bedtime, with my husband away at softball oblivious, I ran with my crazy thought to take the crib rail off and install the toddler rail.

That folks, is definitely a what not to do. But for us it worked.

At least for the past two days.

Elizabeth helped me unscrew the crib rail and screw in the toddler rail. We played a bit on her bed. I stealth-fully slipped the crib rail into the next room and shut the door. And then we went about our bedtime routine. And when I went to tuck her in, she clung and whimpered.

I had a feeling in that moment that the tools were about to come back out. But then we cuddled a bit more and talked about the bed and few minutes later she climbed on in and let me tuck her in.

Knowing that we were in for a potentially crazy night I just stayed really close. And of course with the newfound freedom she came right to her door within minutes. I opened it, led her back and we talked again about staying in bed. 10 minutes later I intervened when she brought her books into bed. And then she fell asleep.

Transitioning her out of her bed has been on my mind for months. I’ve read countless stories of people making the transition at her age and heard countless tales from families that have waited. The hardest part about the waiting was the cost. I’ve seriously turned into a bit of a miser. Alex would agree. Even though our second crib would be free we still needed to buy another crib mattress ($100) and paint it ($$). I knew by three we would transition Elizabeth out of her crib because she has been pulling her leg up and over the rail for the past few months (although never attempting true escape). All the rigmarole associated with two cribs seemed like a waste of money when we would just have to buy a twin bed in a year and in the back of my head I always wondered if she could do it. I know most people wait because of the “if it’s not broke, don’t change it” mentality.” I totally get that, but it wasn’t enough to sway me!

Our daughter, though she has her strong willed moments, is actually a fairly good listener for her age. She’s pretty mellow and for whatever reason I didn’t think we’d have any issues. In fact I almost dreaded switching things up later. Usually with decisions like this one I think of the worst case scenario. This to me was having to put the crib rail back on in a couple of days if all hell broke loose. It’s just a couple of screws. Didn’t seem like a horrible scenario to me. And that’s why you found me late Tuesday evening unscrewing a crib rail, spontaneously.

For the past few months, Elizabeth has stirred at night looking for her pacifiers. So it was no surprise the first night that she stirred twice in the middle of the night. This was normal. At midnight she was stuck because she was unable to turn around with the crib rail gone. At 3 am a little voice called out “help please, help please, help please” and I ran into her on the floor in the dark searching for her pacifier on the floor. It was comical. I tucked her safely back in bed and she slept until 7:45 and then we heard her doorknob twisting. She hasn’t quite caught on to the “stay in bed until mommy comes” part in the morning but at least she’s contained in her room and cannot escape.

The second night we didn’t hear a peep until 6:15 when we heard a thud and a cry. Somehow she did twist her way out of the bed. Oops. Nothing some cuddles with mommy in her bed couldn’t fix. Both naps have been super successful. She has stayed in bed and remained in bed until she wakes. No playing with toys or anything.

I know fully that this could be early success and we could be in trouble next week. But I also know that she could succeed and be ready for a twin bed next week. In fact, I think if we had a side rail on a twin bed she would actually do better than on a toddler mattress. But we are taking this one day at a time.

In the end I’m thankful, in a way, for my spur of the moment thoughts. Sometimes I wonder how I’ll ever know what she’s capable of if I never give her the chance to try something.

She may be ready for a big girl bed…but I would have never known until we tried it.

I’ll keep you posted if the crib stays put and everything falls apart:)

setting it in my heart

The walls are a little barren now that Christmas has gone and the new year has started. We’ve wiped away the chalk words declaring His birth and removed our advent calendars from their nails.

Slowly new adornments have been making their way out. First the small aqua cards to match the paper on our kitchen walls. And then the verses on the board marking the way as we come and go. And now the prints, printed off for their place by the coffee pot for an afternoon pick me up.

Because what we need most is the only thing that can tame the enemy. We need the word of God. The only sword that really pierces, through bone and marrow and we need it immediately, for when the sly little snake creeps up when we least expect.

One of my resolves for the year is to add more to my storehouse, more words in my mind and in my heart, so that when the enemy comes, because he will, I will be ready with my sword for slaying. And I’m realizing more and more that the momma I want to be is the momma that is so deeply and strongly hanging onto Jesus that when Elizabeth looks at me she sees a sinner in need of a Savior and not a momma who’s got it all together.

I want her to see a momma who has issues and who is fighting them with all she’s got, in the word and on the offensive. I want her to see and know we don’t play being Christian. We don’t walk around with the chip so big it will drown us upon our shoulders but we walk humbly, holding tightly, fighting and slaying in the name of the Lord, because the road of the believer is never perfect. And I want her to see and know how important it is to have the word of God deep down in her heart. So when she’s scared and feeling alone, the words will bring peace and comfort.

And how can we model if we’re not doing it. And how can we impress the importance of the things of life if we are not actively teaching. And every day I’ll stumble and get things wrong but how much better is that lesson, the lesson of grace.

This year to learn the Word I’m utilizing some of my favorite resources.

1. The Fighter Verse App…They have songs that accompany the verses (I sang the fighter verse at our last small group and turned varying shades of red), quizzes, and more. For Apple & Android. We post the fighter verse of the week on our chalkboard wall near our entry.

2. The 50 Promises cards from Summer Harms…I ordered these cards before Christmas and they are perfect for placing around your house. I love the verses! These are placed around our house but the one I’m working on is behind our kitchen sink.

3. The Jesus Project: Scripture Memorization for the rest of us by Ann Voscamp. Excellent post on memorizing scripture and super cute prints for placing on your wall.

Grab hold of your sword and let’s fight through…

Devotional from today

Today I had the honor of giving the devotional at our MOMS group at church. I don’t normally do things like that but it was a very encouraging thing for me to do and hopefully my random thoughts encouraged someone. But a friend asked what I shared, so I thought why not just put it here. Because I prefer to write things down I took this up and basically read it word for word with some added fodder and attempted to look up so as not to seem like a horrible public speaker.

So here you go:

My husband and I, after 2 years of marriage, began to think that starting a family would be a good thing. But we didn’t end up having our daughter until our 6^th year of marriage so it took us awhile. And the waiting was hard. And something I really struggled with was letting go of the idea of being a parent. I had a fear that we would be childless, or more broadly, that my vision for the future would not be as I imagined. And I had to face that fear.

Our story was kind of unique in that my husband, while he wanted children, he could also could imagine our future without them. And that really scared me. Because I had always wanted to be a mother. In fact, all through college I struggled to find something comparable. Something I’d do until I had children. I remember telling my dad at one point, “but dad I just want to be a mom and be on the PTA.”

But God had a different plan for us. And while we waited I steeped myself in the word and wrestled through the promises and sought to know who God said He was and what that meant for me.

And I found that God is all we need. God is a giver of all good things. God is incredibly good and no evil resides within him. God is not withholding something I want because he is mean, he’s withholding because he has something better. God is our refuge; we can joyfully abide under his wings. God is for us, all the time.

And I sat in Psalm 62 and 63.

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God, he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times.” Psalm 62:5-8

“I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands” Psalm 63:2-4

And after waiting for 3 ½ years we got pregnant twice and those babies are now at the feet of Jesus. No better place for them to be I’ve come to discern. And soon after those losses, He gave us our Elizabeth. I had realized through the waiting, through the Word, through the tears and unknowns, and through the losses that God was more than enough for everything I was walking through.

More than Enough.

He kept me, encouraged me, held me, loved me, helped me, cared for me, provided what I needed in His word, gave me wisdom from the pulpit to feed my soul, and then He gave us our daughter when we least expected it.

I can still remember the day, after taking a break from medical intervention, when my husband shared that he felt it was time to go back. We were on a year long sabbatical from trying for babies, discerning what the Lord had for us in the future, figuring out how to move forward. And the Lord had just brought me to a place that I knew I would be okay, in Him, if we never had children. My dream, my fear had been surrendered at the feet of Jesus, knowing that whatever He had in store for us was good and better than parenthood. I stood on the ground that God was more than enough and just a few months later He gave us Elizabeth.

It seems when we our given a gift we never even thought possible, the gift has far greater meaning. Like the cross and forgiveness through the blood of Jesus. We call Elizabeth tangible grace when we speak of the Lord’s goodness to us. She’s undeserved favor that we can enjoy with our own two hands.

And we’ve all been given good gifts from the Lord. I’ll assume if you’re here you probably have children. And our children are incredible blessings from the Lord, gifts given, tangible grace. And all good gifts are meant to be enjoyed for our joy and for His glory. It is good to delight in our children.

From a spirit of fear that our future would not be as I thought it would, to fully believing that God was enough even if we never had that dream fulfilled, has given me such freedom to enjoy the gift He has given us in our daughter and helped me in the days and hours when parenting is really hard work.

God, everyday in our parenting, in the struggles, in the pain, in the rejoicing, in the waiting for salvation, in the moments we want to pull our hair out. He is always enough, well more than enough for us.

We can find rest in Him because He alone is our ever present help in time of need, our refuge, our mighty rock. He alone is better than life and He is more than enough for everything that comes our way.

I Support You…

“The I Support You movement is a respectful, empathetic, compassionate exchange between parents. We all feed our children differently, but we are all feeding with love, and in ways that work for our individual circumstances and family dynamics. I Support You is the first step in helping formula-feeding, breast-feeding, and combo-feeding parents to come together and lift each other up with kindness and understanding.”

-from Mama From the Bay

It’s National Breastfeeding Week (and month) and somehow a year has passed since I wrote about breastfeeding last. So much has changed since then especially since Elizabeth is no longer nursing. We weaned at 13 months old and everyone has been doing great.

I wondered what to write this year given our new routine and I decided that I was not going to write a post about the great benefits of breastfeeding or how “breast is best.” I don’t want to tell you that it’s liquid gold or god’s gift of nutrition. I’m not going to make you feel like you are less of a mom if you choose formula or don’t even give breastfeeding a try. Because it’s not true. There are times in your mothering when you feel like you are less than what you should be. And it’s a lie.

I don’t want to make insensitive remarks, though I know I’m not immune from this and I don’t want to make a blanket statement with a “but” attached like this, because they make me cringe inside:

“Breastfeeding is the best thing for your baby and everyone should try it, but if it doesn’t work, I won’t judge your or make you feel like you are less of a mom. You aren’t.”

Instead I’m going to make a statement like this…

“I support you. Breastfeeding is not always the best choice. And that has nothing to do with whether your milk flows or not. You are a fantastic mother for caring for your child and providing them with an abundance of care and for feeding them with love.”

End of story.

Because I’m tired of hearing the “but”. I’ve noticed that I use the “but” too often when talking about things I’m passionate about. Most of us state our politically correct, blanket statement and then we throw in the “but” to tell it like we really see it. It’s everywhere and more than ever I’m trying to remove it from my lips. It’s going to be hard, because I know I do it more than I care to think about, but I’m trying. Because it’s not always helpful and it’s not always loving. There’s a time for it of course, but not when talking about breastfeeding vs. formula. We need each other in our mothering. We need a community that comes alongside and says “I support you”.

And so here’s the real story behind our story. About halfway in I wanted to quit. I wanted to stop breastfeeding because I wanted my life back. I know we’re supposed to lay down our lives for our kids but I wanted the flexibility back. I wanted to leave her and not worry about pumping and washing parts. I wanted to let others feed her and just go about my day. But I never quit because I was too ashamed. You see, I didn’t have a good enough reason to stop.

Isn’t that silly? I felt, somehow, in my very depths, that I needed to have a reason to back up our decision. My reason was purely selfish. I produced milk. I was able to breastfeed. I just didn’t want to anymore. I knew the benefits but I also knew plenty of children that were thriving without being fed breast milk. In my mind the benefits weren’t swaying me to continue. And no, I, deep down, didn’t feel like a horrible mother because I would have turned my back on the benefits of liquid gold. I felt like one because of what I thought people would say or think. Which, of course, is a whole different struggle.

The story continues in that around that point I relayed all of this to our pediatrician and she shared with me astounding advice. “Just give her formula some of the time”. Plain as day. And you know what, we did. When we went out we left formula bottles. At night before bed, when she was 9 months old, we topped her off with formula. It provided just the break I needed to continue to one year. And at 11 months we introduced milk and made our way down the path of weaning. And if we had another baby I’d probably do the same thing when it came to feeding our baby. Because selfishly I liked that I lost the weight and I liked that we saved money and you know what, the benefits to Elizabeth were just the icing on the cake.

Maybe you are reading this and are feeling your heart beat a little faster or you’re thinking in your head, wow, she’s so selfish. The benefits for breastfeeding are clear, why wouldn’t you want to give your child the best? Doesn’t she know how amazing God made the woman’s body to provide for her baby? A few years ago I may have felt that way too.

And while that’s okay, I hope you’ll reconsider.

You see, Alex and I and millions of people across the Earth, in countries that do not promote breastfeeding and in our own culture, grow up to be well-adjusted, smart, healthy adults. And not everyone gets that liquid gold. And there are too many women who feel the pressure to breastfeed and just can’t throw in the towel even when it’s the best scenario for them, their baby, and their families. There are too many women coming home from the hospital in tears because they can’t or they don’t want to or they feel the heavy weight of guilt.

And that is wrong.

No one, especially in the days after childbirth, should feel immense guilt on how they are feeding their babies. No one should come home in tears because their milk didn’t come in or they don’t have enough. No one should feel like the only way to bond with their baby is by breastfeeding them. No one should feel saddened because they are not meeting the expectations of the world they live in. Because it’s a lie.

We know the benefits. We’ve heard the testimonies. We hear the roar of breastfeeding advocates. We observe with our eyes the number of covered babies. We know breastfeeding can be good and is good for so many.

But women also need to feel like they are supported whether they breastfeed or not; instead of feeling like they are wearing a scarlet letter if they choose not to. For any reason. And here’s some encouragement…for 13 months I breastfed a girl who was not attached to feeding. She was on and done in under 10 minutes from the time she was around 3 months old. It wasn’t a comfort for her. It wasn’t some great bonding experience. It wasn’t what all those people claimed. And I feel as close as ever to Elizabeth. Alex and I have bonded with her, we love to cuddle her up. And that had nothing to do with the breast in her case.

I know so many bright, well-educated, smart, courageous women have chosen formula from day one. I know women who’ve given formula because breast wasn’t best for them. I know women who’ve courageously faced the crowd of naysayers.

And they are excellent mothers.

And believe it or not, their children are healthy, smart, and incredibly delightful.

At the end of the day we are going to face thousands of decisions when it comes to parenting but if 13 months have taught me anything it’s that I need to figure out what is best for my husband and I and our children. And that is going to look differently, I hope, from others. Because we are not clones. We are individuals, unique families, all trying to do the best for those we love.

I support you because we need each other far more than we could ever imagine.

We need to know we’re supported by the ones we love. And we need to know we’re supported because parenting is tough, selfless, work. It’s hard work.

But I’m sure you’d agree, completely worth it.

Huffington Post has an excellent article here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/01/i-support-you-breastfeeding-_n_3685881.html

Elizabeth-11 months old

334 days you have been with us.

And not one of them was guaranteed.

All of them a gift. A much grace filled gift.

Seems folly to write of our days with you when hearts are hurting in Oklahoma, but to not embrace what we have been given today would also seem folly. And today we’re embracing you, celebrating you.

Elizabeth, you bring us incredible joy. It is our privilege to be your momma and daddy. To think there are only 31 more days until you’ve been tangible grace before us for an entire year seems almost unimaginable.

11 months, dear girl, filled with tears and laughter and cuddling and smiling. You are our kind hearted girl. You have a very curious spirit, always interested in how things work. You are spunky and as quiet as you can be, you can also be loud. Shrieking and shouting are your newest fascinations and you jabber up a storm. We’re impressed by your comprehension as you readily complete what we ask of you (for the most part). You love to be near your momma, “helping” in any way you can.

Your loving nature spills over in giving kisses, open mouth and all, and you are fascinated by kids that are younger than you. Even fascinated by those who are older than you but still immobile. Yes, you are on the go dear girl. You are almost running now that you have walking down and just today you stood up without having to hold on to something. You can cruise right up the stairs and love to play at the park on all the equipment. You love to be around people and as much as you sometimes like to interact you equally love to just take everything in. You are a very good listener and right now will obey momma and daddy when we say no. We’ve also seen some mini-fits when you can’t quite seem to communicate what you want. Although communicating is getting easier as you can sign “all done” and “more.”

I could go on and on about you…we love you so very, very much!

Finding solid ground

Yesterday I rambled on and on about my conflicting feelings over my first mother’s day. Embracing this new role has come easy in some ways and has thrown me for a loop in others. It’s a work in progress.

But after much discussing, reflecting, praying and reading I’m finding some clarity…

Being a mother, after being a wife, was my hearts desire since I was a little girl. I never had those vast sweeping notions of being a doctor or lawyer or even have a career beyond the home. The only professions that came close as a little girl and then as an adult were a missionary or a teacher, both obviously very key pieces to mothering. When we got married, being a wife just seemed to fit. I love to serve Alex and keep our home. And as we awaited our next steps, I found joy in mothering other children.

But as we waited, I found my heart grappling with things I would hear throughout Christian circles and even within our own church (although rarely). The common phrase that motherhood “is a woman’s highest calling” and women are “saved through childbirth” began to weigh on my heart. And as we waited I worked though these…falling back on the fact that the Lord created us for His glory and our highest true calling is following after him. How could God withhold this “highest calling” from my life? Now I don’t believe these to be fully accurate.

And now that I’m on this side, I have tasted and seen what an incredible gift it is to be a mother. It’s a sanctifying, self-sacrificing, building up, molding, and discipling kind of work. And I love most every moment. My heart is full for the task the Lord has set before me and I’m ever grateful that I get to wake up and do what I’ve longed to do each and every day. Seriously. I pinch myself at times.

It’s a noble calling and one worth every ounce of energy. We have the joy of bringing up the next generation, using the wisdom and grace the Lord has given us to pour truth into another heart. It’s a good and wise profession to be a worker at home and to raise children. But I still do not think it is my highest calling. And as far as being saved through childbirth, I like this view from John MacArthur.

So yesterday, I fell into uncertainty as I faced a day I previously struggled through. In the past I focused on honoring mothers, our own and others, but the emptiness of my arms still stung. And now with heart and arms full this Mother’s Day I struggled through the fact that here I was, on the other side, embracing the gift of Elizabeth, the one who made me a mother. Why me?

Here I am, by the grace of the Lord, living a life I could only hope for. So undeserving. And still learning how to embrace this good, noble calling of motherhood when I still know the pain that comes in waiting and knowing so many who were struggling for joy yesterday. Knowing how to care for hurting hearts while holding the thing longed for is a delicate thing. And this expands beyond the walls of infertility.

God was good to give us Elizabeth. These past months have proved, only like few other times in my life, to be sanctifying months. We prayed when we waited for babies, not mainly for the task of parenting, but for the sanctification that parenting brings. And He’s answering that prayer ten-fold, for His glory and our good.

But by the end of the day yesterday, I found joy in accepting and embracing the gift of motherhood. God gave us Elizabeth, in His perfect wisdom, in His perfect timing and in doing so gave me the honor of being her mother. Why, I don’t know but I’m hoping maybe one day I’ll find out?

Sometimes accepting God’s good gifts can be staggeringly difficult.

And I’m learning there’s grace for that.

thoughts on mother’s day

today is my first real mother’s day with a real live baby to cuddle and love. and I’m terrified of the emotions that have come with it.

every day I feel blessed to be elizabeth’s mommy. to hold her and snuggle her and teach her and love her. she’s still and always will be an example of God’s incredible kindness towards us. we don’t even come close to deserving her.

but the emotions that found me leading up to this day frightened me. my first real mother’s day and expectations that I began to put forth in my mind from the world. I remember when we were waiting and expecting having a better mindset on mother’s day. Yes, mother’s do deserve to be celebrated but it’s still just another day. because when you are waiting and hoping and grieving this day seems to be viewed with better clarity.

one year in the waiting I remember the elder or pastor, not our main pastor, asking all the mothers to stand up. to stand up. and to this day I can remember the emotions. tears flowed instantly and out I ran. I can remember thinking “all I want is to be able to stand up.” that was my worst experience with mother’s day to date.

but this year…it began to feel like it needed to be a day all.about.me. How would Alex celebrate me. What pinterest inspired craft would he come up with to show his love (seriously, what was I thinking…what men go on pinterest to make a craft for their wife?). Satan got ahold of me. And last night as I sat with my husband I went full circle with all my emotions.

Yes, I need to hear from him that he’s proud of me and yes, I need to hear that the job I’m doing is worthwhile. But I don’t need to hear that I’m perfect (far from it), that I’m the world’s best mom (I’m not), I don’t need to hear how I’m a saint for doing my job (again, far from it).

funny how a heart can be so fickle. in the waiting I longed for this day and made it less than what it should be and on this side I longed for this day and made it more than it should be.

and I know so many for whom this day is hard. they get to be celebrated but they are unable to celebrate their own mothers. they don’t get to stand up but they have mother’s to celebrate. and some are unable to do either.

why do we do this? I’m still baffled by all the emotions and how the world can make one day so puffed up. what a good reminder to keep my head in the Book. to remember where the best accolades will come from. where to keep hope.

One day I’ll hear the greatest words, “well done” and all the cards and worldly accolades will be rubbish in comparison.

just thinking this all through and trying to find the happy medium.

happy mother’s day…

Fun in the Sun

Somehow when spring ushered in we also gained a toddler. Discontent to crawl anywhere anymore we’re having fun trying to run. Here’s our girl on one of our unusually hot spring days playing at our new water table.

on the other side

I wasn’t sure if I would ever post this.

But here I am.

I can still remember the month that the lights began to fade. I laughed a little less, worried a bit more, and most days dreaded the early morning wake up call. At the time I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. I just knew that I didn’t feel like myself.

I began grasping for excuses…I just had a baby, motherhood will take an adjustment to get used to, if only she would sleep…and from there the feelings of inadequacy and discontentment began to grow.

This was right around the time Elizabeth was 3 months old. End of September. Life became overwhelming. Every little decision when it came to Elizabeth seemed to send me into a spiral of fret, certain things had to be done just so or it seemed everything would all fall apart. And along with it, I began to feel down. I just couldn’t shake the doldrums that ushered in with autumn.

On the outside, most didn’t notice a difference. It even took Alex some time to come around. All I remember is going through the motions. I was asked a few times if everything was alright because I didn’t seem myself, but I just rolled it off as lack of sleep. I mean, that was the truth. Everyday was filled with the things that needed to be done. Just enough to get us through. Diapers changed, baby rocked and fed, snippets of sleep, dinner on the table. But in reality, while my arms and legs still managed to keep house and tend to Elizabeth, inside I was drowning. What I noticed the most was that I began doing without feeling. Life became lifeless.

I lost the joy. The awe of looking in the eyes of our daughter, feeling her soft baby skin, it was lost on me. Instead I began to resent her. Frustrated when she wouldn’t sleep, burying my head in the pillow when her sweet voice called out in the early morning light, and finding myself more invested in schedules and time rather than in the little life before me.

Here I was, now a mother, and I was floundering at the task at hand. And I had had 8 years of prior experience running a household with 3 little ones underfoot as a nanny. I knew how to do “mothering” without always engaging. But I never thought that mothering my own would feel so empty and so full of tears. Almost anything would set them off. And frustrated with myself, I began digging deep. Trying to figure out what was going on. Even time in the Word, singing worship, calling out in prayer became lifeless and dull.

One day I had enough. I posted post-its all around our house. And on them were printed the most elementary commands. “Feeling Weary…pray!, Tired…pray!, Need joy…pray!” I thought maybe I could muster up enough faith to rid my heart and mind of the cobwebs. Bring back joy.

And then one morning I found myself sitting before my husband saying “Honey, I think I am depressed.” At first he kind of laughed. And then he saw and knew. And he stated the most obvious of responses, “Honey, maybe you are.” And then I took some time to mull that over in my head. For over a month.

Right after that time, when Elizabeth was 7 months old, my cycle restarted. And I found this post by Joanna Goddard and read it. And then I decided it was time to see my OB.

Going in felt foolish…I was sure it was all in my head. Inside I felt defeated. Tests were run, forms filled out, surveys taken. The next day the verdict was in. Thyroid was fine, blood sugar normal. One thing was off, severely low.

My vitamin D level.

A vitamin D deficiency can mimic the symptoms of postpartum depression. The feelings I felt were very real. The darkness was real. And after one day on massive amounts of Vitamin D, the joy began to flood back in. Darkness slowly fading, cobwebs being swept away.

I had an aha moment: Of course…the times I felt my best were the few months after Elizabeth was born (summer) and our vacation to Florida (sunshine). An answer. To be honest, even if everything would have come back normal and postpartum depression was the source, I would have been relieved to have been honest. To have sought help. By the time she was 7 months all I wanted was to be back to myself.

And even though there was a reason for the darkness, I’m still realizing that it’s going to take awhile to find my rhythm. To find my way of mothering. But at least now, one thing is for certain, the months ahead, while hard and trying, will be filled with hope and joy.

Praying for you mothers out there, walking through the trenches, battling the cobwebs that cloud our hearts and minds, to find joy in the morning.

On My Bookshelf

These days finding time to read is a challenge. Often, if there is time before I’m ready to call it a day, I spend those moments with Alex, on the couch, watching his next reality TV favorite. (think Gold Rush, Storage Wars, etc.) That’s what they call true love:)

But those things I have read this year so far have proven to be excellent. I find that these days anything that I read must be worthwhile and able to be picked up on whim…meaning I might get a chapter or two in before it begins to collect dust on the dresser. And then it may get picked back up in a week or two if its lucky.

Finished Books

- Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman

This may have been my favorite book of 2013 so far. I have much more to say, but for me this book was liberating.

 - Flying with Baby by Meg Collins

Short, sweet, informative, and packed with the best tips for flying with kiddos. Definitely worth $2.99.

 - Baby-Led Weaning Book and Cookbook by Tracey Murkett

Great read if you are at all interested in bypassing purees in the feeding of your kids. Informative and very interesting!

In the middle of

- The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller

Such a great book on marriage. Quite possibly the best one I’ve read yet and I’ve read A LOT of them with my mentor.

 - Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson

I’m halfway through this one and every chapter so far I’ve had tears. There is so much in this that I NEED to hear and so much that I NEED to know others have felt, gone through, and experienced. So far it’s my tied as my favorite book of the year so far.

Just cracked open

- 7 : An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker

So excited to read more of this one. I’m always interested in ways to simplify and rid our lives of things that hinder us. Although if I’m honest, I’m not sure I can be as radical as Jen was:)

 - The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson

I’m very excited to get started reading this one. I have so much to write about going from an infertile woman to a mother. I never knew the emotions that would come and the things I’d struggle through but I’m hoping this can help make sense of the mayhem.

Obviously I need some new options for fiction and non-parenting books…

So what have been some of your favorite books?

Elizabeth & Food

I just had to write this post. Not because I think I’m doing anything new or transforming when it comes to feeding a baby but just because I love all things food:) Plus it just wouldn’t be right, documenting Elizabeth’s first year, without including some talk of her first bites!

You might recall me mentioning back in some earlier posts that I was thinking of doing Baby Led Weaning (BLW) when it came to starting solids with Elizabeth. When I mentioned it to our pediatrician, whom I love by the way, she made sure to remind me to have realistic expectations. (ie: doesn’t work for every kid). Remember I just mentioned how I was needing help in the expectation area:) Well we were all set forth to go that direction until a snag crept up in our plan. Miss Elizabeth was HUNGRY! Well maybe not so much hungry, but VERY interested in our food. So then and there I decided we’d do a combination. One part BLW and one part purees and so far it’s going great.

Around 5 1/2 months we started with some oatmeal cereal. To date this is her least favorite food. She dislikes it so much that I stopped serving it. So after cereal we gave her mashed banana & avocado. Both of which she loved. And mid-December when she was just shy of 6 months we began giving her finger foods to begin playing with per BLW. So far she’s tried a vast array of food and has not disliked anything with the exception of oatmeal. For the pureed foods some are Gerber organics and some were homemade using fresh or frozen foods steamed and pureed in large batches with our food processor. I love making her food…must be because I love making and eating food in general…not for everyone!

Here’s what she’s had so far:

In addition to starting solids she’s also been experimenting with her sippy cup. It’s incredibly adorable watching her try…so far she can get it in her mouth and can sip from it if we tilt it but she doesn’t quite have the tilt down on her own!

As far as stuff for feeding, well after a month we have some favorites of course. I’ve found that easy to clean/wipe off is best and that the fewer items the better. So here are some of our favorite feeding items…we just have one of everything below and it’s been more than enough!

1. Baby Bjorn Bib - BEST BIB EVER! We had some cheap ones before and they would get SO gross. Easy to wipe off and catches everything.

2. Gerber Soft Spoons – These just happened to be the ones that landed in my cart at Target. No reason other than they work. Why mess with a good thing!

3. Ikea Highchair – BEST HIGHCHAIR EVER! Very inexpensive, super easy to clean, nice looking, and best of all it’s ALL PLASTIC. No gross food getting stuck anywhere.

4. Kidsme Feeder – This is great. Super easy to clean (are you catching a theme!) and doubles as a teething toy either with ice in it or on it’s own.

5. Cookbook – My resource for making purees as well as this site and this one.

6. Baby Led Weaning Book – I own both and the cookbook is much easier to follow and contains all the info from the regular book.

7. Avent First Sippy Cup – Easy to clean, easy to hold, and so far it’s easy for her to get water out of.

8. Freezer trays – One ounce portions, easy to get food out of, and can be used after the fact. Many people also like this one and this one. I got this model because I had a gift card at a local store that only carried this particular one.

So that’s how we’ve done it. Like everything I’m sure there will be some give and take but I want Elizabeth to be exposed to as many different tastes/textures/etc. in hopes that she will be a great eater later. Although I was the pickiest eater as a kid and now I love just about anything…so there’s hope if that’s the case for her.

 

SO tell me…do you have some favorite items/recipes/foods your kids loved?

Baby Wise, {A Review}

*This is my review on the book Baby Wise by Ezzo/Bucknam, copyright 1995/98. It’s been brought to my attention that there are two versions of this book…the book I am reviewing is the mainstream, secular version of Baby Wise. I am not endorsing the authors, their beliefs, or their other works. This is just an honest review of a mainstream childcare book.*

To be honest, I’ve been hesitant to even write this. I know first hand there are people who have been hurt by false teaching, legalistic upbringing, and the works of the Ezzo’s. This book receives so much criticism that if you happen to have read it, you most often don’t want to admit it. I remember when I picked the book up at a local JBF sale I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was going to read it for fear of negative backlash. But my mentor, whom I highly respect, had good things to say about it so I splurged and bought it for the $2 it was selling for. And I’m glad I did. The version I read was not only informative but also helpful these first months of Elizabeth’s life. Like we learned at our dedication class at our church, most everything you need to know about parenting is instinct and common sense.

Our Experience with Baby Wise

I started reading Baby Wise during my third trimester and I ended up putting it aside because I realized 1.) I wouldn’t remember much, 2.) I had no idea what Elizabeth would be like and 3.) it was hard for me to read about things I wasn’t yet experiencing. So when she was just a few days old I cracked open the book and began to read. What struck me first was the lack of Biblical instruction and all those absolute statements I kept hearing about. What I’ve later learned is there are different versions of the book and I’m so glad I picked up the secular version! Knowing I would be the one providing the daily care for Elizabeth while Alex worked I knew that I wanted some sort of semblance to our lives. So I dove right in.

And just to note, I think whether your baby sleeps through the night, eats every 3 hours, or doesn’t do either of them isn’t because of your parenting but instead due to the child.

Feeding & Babywise:

Because I had read Ina May’s Guide to Breastfeeding alongside this book, I didn’t really see many differences. Essentially all feeding of a baby is parent directed, that is, the mom chooses to feed the baby. But like you know, I knew from the beginning that I didn’t want her to use my nipple for comfort. I’m just not comfortable with that and I feel that’s okay; instead I gave her a pacifier. I noticed through trial and error that most often when Elizabeth was crying, had just eaten or had only gone an hour since her last feed, that she was tired not hungry. How did I know this? She refused to eat! So I learned quickly that she could go 2-2 1/2 hours between feedings because she was able to and preferred to. Now that being said, she’s an efficient eater, always has been, and doesn’t tend towards comfort feeding. So as her mother, I was following her cues. And of course, there were times when she was hungry earlier than the 2-3 hours she usually can go. And of course, if she was hungry I fed her. I also knew she was doing fine on our “routine” because she met all of the healthy growth indicators.

Routine vs. Schedule:

Despite not being a Type-A person, I actually do thrive on routine. And after so many years watching children, I really believe that they also thrive when things are fairly consistent. That being said, I do like flexibility…with Elizabeth we, as a family, wanted to still maintain some parts of our “old life.” By tracking her feedings & sleep I was able to see patterns form which help us better plan our days. We knew that any routine we came up with would NOT be rigid…our life just isn’t like that and to Elizabeth’s benefit neither is her mother. For the first 8 weeks of her life, I didn’t do anything but feed her when she was hungry, let her sleep, and snuggled her as much as I could. No routine. But after that I began seeing a pattern to her ways.

Elizabeth was consistently sleeping 5 hour stretches by 7 weeks old. And as she grew, her nighttime sleep lengthened. Now at 3 months old, she goes to bed around 7 pm and sleeps 9-10 hours until between 4:30 and 5am. She then eats and goes down until right around 8am. And again, I don’t think it’s because we did BabyWise. I think it’s because our daughter is a hibernator and LOVES to sleep like her daddy. I also borrowed some advice and instituted the Dreamfeed from The Baby Whisperer…I feed her and put her down around 7 and gently rouse her to eat around 10pm. Interestingly enough, she doesn’t need this. She’ll sleep 9-10 hours without it, but I NEED it. If you nurse you know what I mean. I CAN’T go 9-10 hours without her eating!

I also highly recommend the Eat, Wake, Sleep cycle. I believe The Baby Whisperer has another name for this as do some other baby books. In reality for our hibernator at 3 months, this means she eats for 10 min, is awake for 50 more minutes and naps for 2 hours. Then it all starts over again. It’s fairly consistent. This is another piece that I experimented with. For a few weeks I would let her fall asleep right after she ate and the result was a short nap and a very cranky baby. So we’ve continued the EWS cycle and things have been really good. I still run errands and then she’ll take a cat nap on the go but I try to be home for at least one of her naps so she can get a good one at home, in her bed.

As far as our routine, well, I NEVER wake Elizabeth up in the morning so our daily routine doesn’t start until she wakes up. But she’s fairly consistent, give an hour or two, so most days her eating pattern looks like 7:30/8, 10:30/11, 1:30/2, 4:30/5, 7:30, and then she dreamfeeds at 10. On her own, around 2 months old, we switched from a 2 1/2 hour feeding schedule to a 3 hour schedule based on the fact that she wasn’t all that interested in eating at the 2 1/2 hour mark but was at the 3 hour mark. As she grows and stays awake more our routine will keep adapting, that’s why I like routine…it’s not RIGID!

Lastly, I liked the book for its guidelines. So often I would be wondering, now at this point, what is she capable of? Not what SHOULD SHE BE DOING, because every baby is different. I found their guidelines very helpful for breastfeeding, waketime/naptime, and sleeping.

Crying it Out:

At this point, we don’t really let Elizabeth Cry-It-Out…not because we feel like it’s harmful or bad-parenting, but because often she doesn’t need to. We’ve tried it a time or two and let her go up to 10 minutes crying and the result is not a baby that can calm herself back down, she just gets more mad. And while we want her to be able to self-soothe we’re not going to force her to do that. Instead when she’s crying she most often has relinquished control of her pacifier and all she needs is for it to be put back in place. So we’ll do that for her a few times and so far that seems to have been all she needs. We know that can be a slippery slope with the pacifier and she may decide to manipulate us and make a game of it. At that point, we’ll face the consequences, but right now, we’re all better off this way. That being said, the crying section of the book was very informative and helpful…there was so much more to it than just Cry-It-Out and for those opposed, new research did just come out stating CIO is not harmful.

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So there you have it, our unbiased review of BabyWise and how the information within its pages helped this family of three establish some semblance of routine. For another fantastic review, check out Styleberry Blog.