What My Daughter’s Need Most

This past week so many thoughts passed through my mind. I contemplated getting rid of Facebook, shutting down my blog, reducing the amount of peripheral fluff. And I prayed and sought and talked with my husband. And I felt like never before such a strong urge to be intentional.

In the end, since I’m still writing here, the blog isn’t going anywhere. But I have placed some borders on my social media usage because sometimes the fluff gets in the way of what I really want to be focusing on. Being intentional.

Because what my daughter’s need most is their mother. Not a Pinterest inspired version. Just me. Just as I come. My heart, my love, my time, my attention.

Before Elizabeth was born I felt a strong urge for intentionality in my mothering. And after she came and I started reading the parenting books, it didn’t take me long to realize the parenting I wanted, the ministry of motherhood I longed for, wasn’t found in the pages of the books I had been given. I shut them all. In fact, I’ve really only read through 3 or 4 parenting books all the way through and I can assure you they are not the ones you may expect.

I began to get a little confused as to what my role was. I missed ministry and speaking into the lives of women and children. My husband in his own gracious way encouraged me to shut the books, to get rid of them, and to open the one book that would give me everything I needed. The Bible. And so, being the great wife I am, I followed his advice.

And then about a year later, I opened Sally Clarkson’s Ministry of Motherhood. I read through the first 3 chapters, wrote down some notes and shut the book (eventually I finished it!) She finally offered the words and the calling I was waiting to hear.

“I realized with the passing of each day that spiritual and emotional maturity would not just happen to my children because I wished it so. It would not come just from a passive example of my being good. Effective spiritual, emotional, and social training in the lives of my children would have to be both intentional and planned.” Ministry of Motherhood, p. 13

She put words to where my heart was stirring. Having been involved in campus ministry like Sally, I had discipled young women before. I had gained the wisdom of a discipleship model; to pour out my life investing in the next generation, living, loving, serving, training and pointing them to Jesus.

As soon as I read those chapters, I shut the book not because I didn’t like her advice, but because a light bulb went off. God was calling me as a mother to intentionally disciple my children. I had known this in a way prior to having Elizabeth but so much other fluff had been added. Peripheral things that seemed trivial in light of the Gospel. God calls parents to impart His word to them, to teach them about Himself, and to raise up children that know who He is. He asks more of us of course, but this is a foundational truth.

And I shut the book because that discipleship model I had been taught in college was something I knew how to do.

These girls, this season I’ve been given, is where my ministry is. Where my heart needs to be poured out. And discipleship happens best when you get involved and get intentional. It's messy and hard, there are questions and times of failure, but discipleship is coming alongside and teaching, equipping, helping and just plain being there.

The whole mystery of parenting fell away when I realized I just needed to rely on the Lord and set forth an intentional heart to focus on my daughters. Young children learn by observation. This is a known truth. They learn by watching what is going on around them. That’s why if you spend time with kids that are a little wild, your child will probably want to test out being a bit wild and that’s okay and very normal.

For me, knowing my daughters will be watching me, learning from me, copying me makes me not want to get my act together and do things perfectly, but instead to be ready. To be immersed in God’s word, to be authentic and real, to admit when I’m wrong, be affectionate and offer grace. To give them myself, even the messy parts. God has called me as a mother to be intentional about sharing who He is and who Jesus is to my children. And for me this happens all day long. Not just through stories and His word but by living life in a way so that they "hopefully" see me more often as humble and in need and God as the one who supplies.

Hard, yes. Worth it, incredibly.

My heart has been burdened that I can’t just say the words. I can’t just offer platitudes and good jobs. I can’t just sit on the sidelines and hope they catch on. There’s hard, intentional work to be done. My daughter isn’t going to catch on like one catch’s a cold. We’re building a foundation together.

Creating a family, creating a legacy, creating a life together. Being intentional about what that looks like, how's it's played out, and what stays and what goes has helped.

In those years of waiting for children, Alex and I began to imagine the type of life we would want if we ever had children. And there are moments, like Saturdays as we sit and listen to the music at the Farmer’s Market, where my heart swells because those fleeting notions are turning into reality.

Everyone has a different vision of this…that’s what is so fantastic. Everyone has a vision for their family, for their children. Some are world driven and others heaven focused. But we all have some sort of thing we are being intentional about imparting.

For us, we’re attempting to be intentional about creating a family atmosphere that’s full of love and grace and forgiveness. Where fun things happen as a family and where one can always feel safe. We want our daughters to enjoy being with us. We watched families, we've asked advice, gleaned wisdom and are attempting to put it into practice.

We are intentional about teaching our girls about who God is daily. If they don’t learn who He is from what we share and how we act, speak and behave, they will leave our house ill-equipped. Even if He never calls our daughters to true faith in His son, I pray they leave our house with a real and authentic view of who Jesus is.

Being intentional never seemed so daunting or difficult as it does but thankfully God is with me in this and I know that discipleship is always worth the hard work put in. As someone who has sought out a mentor and been poured into for the past 10 years, discipleship is worth every minute, even as adults.

Practical application?

We don’t give up even though we want to sometimes. We keep imparting the same truths over and over again. We train, we encourage, we offer grace, we are quick to listen and slow to anger (try!!), and we continually offer opportunities for Elizabeth to practice what she is learning. For her, it’s sharing, walking and staying close to mom when in a store, listening and obeying, sitting through dinner, pouring water, getting dressed, and praying. She has her own little prayer she knows. “Thank you Jesus, Amen.” They’re never too little to learn God’s word or speak to Him.

For the fall, I’m hoping to create a little curriculum alongside the monthly truth’s our church is teaching to our kids on Sunday’s. This month they are learning that “God Made Me” and it’s become a theme we can focus on throughout the month. Nothing fancy, nothing Pinterest-y. Just talking about how God made her. Every part of her.

For me, I’ve had to turn off the world a bit to be more intentional. That peripheral fluff has to go…otherwise I’m distracted by the minor things. Even though I don’t have a physical “boss” I have a boss who’s watching every move. Who gives grace and offers second chances over and over again. I have a God who cares how my day goes and one who has given me the tools to be intentional in my mothering.

He’s called me to go and make disciples…and He’s given me two right in front of me.

 

*in case anyone is wondering, here are the books I’ve read all the way through and have really enjoyed and found incredibly resourceful and helpful*

Ministry of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson

Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson

For the Family’s Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay

Disciplines of a Godly Family by R. Kent Hughes

Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic

as well as these non-Christian books

French Kids Eat Everything by Karen La Billion

Bringing up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua

 

Favorite kid books

Jesus Storybook Bible and Thought’s to make your Heart Sing by Sally Lloyd Jones

Learn about God series by Carine Mackenzie

 

Elizabeth is Two!

It happened y’all.

Obviously I’m still a bit in denial that our baby is SO big but she turned two. It doesn’t quite feel just like yesterday that we were holding a tiny baby because she was only a tiny baby for 9 short little months until we had a toddling, walking girl on our hands. But it does feel like she just turned one.

And two. Seriously the ages of 2-4 are my very most favorite in the world. No one should be surprised that being a preschool teacher was the eventual career path I settled on. Even though we are only a week into two it’s been so much fun.

Here’s what true of Elizabeth at 2

-She MUST tuck her babies into their cradle before bed, complete with a hug and a kiss and layering their blankets on them. If she forgets, we hear about it and it must be done. I love her mothering little heart.

-Everything is “I Doey” or “I do it”".” Thankfully I’ve received the patience I need to see us through this stage. From car seat buckling (which she can do!!!) to pouring her own milk, she can do a LOT for herself. This emerging leadership and self-motivating spirit is encouraging.

-She is very inquisitive and is happy to just watch and take things in. She is perceptive…the other day I watched her doing a new puzzle, a difficult one, and she would stare at the piece and then at the board for minutes at a time and then perfectly plop the piece in the right spot. We imagine a girl who is mechanically inclined…We pray this piece of her is used for the kingdom of God and for the care of others.

-She loves to help. From cleaning, hammering, and everything in between. She’s always ready to help. I’m trying with all that I am to foster this and to give her plenty of ways to join alongside of me.

-She loves music and loves to sing. We taught her “God is so Big” and she walks around the house making muscles “strong!”. She sings to her babies and to others, especially Jesus Loves Me. We pray she will always desire, so deep down in her heart, to make a joyful noise, blessing others at the same time.

-She is for the most part incredibly obedient. We are to the point where she walks in Target holding the cart (she won’t sit anymore) and I can take her into stores with me without her running away and without the stroller. She’s going to be a great big sister!

-She loves eating ice out of cups, chipotle chicken burrito bowls and guacamole, dum-dums, milk, and cheese (colby jack specifically). She is like her daddy in that her tastes go in spurts (not including the aforementioned items)…one week she’ll like watermelon and the next she won’t touch it. Keeps us on our toes.

-She loves to do puzzles, feed her babies from her kitchen, slide down slides, go to the pool, ride her new bike, play with water, read books and play trains and duplos.

Elizabeth Mae, we couldn’t be more blessed to have you in our lives. We pray that one day you will come to know and love Jesus, that He will be your solid ground on which you stand. That your independence and perceptive mind would be put to use to make much of Him and would benefit others. We pray your curiosity and joy would overflow and that we would never hinder you but instead be willing participants in helping you succeed. You are an incredible joy, we love your laughter and your giggles. We count every single day with you a blessed gift and pray we have many, many more years to enjoy your company.

XOXOXO

mommy and daddy.

Transitioning out of the crib

I’m not an expert at this.

In fact, I would probably caution you against proceeding in the same way. Our daughter is a month away from turning two and we will be due with our second in just four short months.

It was now or never in my mind.

And on Tuesday evening, just 30 minutes before bedtime, with my husband away at softball oblivious, I ran with my crazy thought to take the crib rail off and install the toddler rail.

That folks, is definitely a what not to do. But for us it worked.

At least for the past two days.

Elizabeth helped me unscrew the crib rail and screw in the toddler rail. We played a bit on her bed. I stealth-fully slipped the crib rail into the next room and shut the door. And then we went about our bedtime routine. And when I went to tuck her in, she clung and whimpered.

I had a feeling in that moment that the tools were about to come back out. But then we cuddled a bit more and talked about the bed and few minutes later she climbed on in and let me tuck her in.

Knowing that we were in for a potentially crazy night I just stayed really close. And of course with the newfound freedom she came right to her door within minutes. I opened it, led her back and we talked again about staying in bed. 10 minutes later I intervened when she brought her books into bed. And then she fell asleep.

Transitioning her out of her bed has been on my mind for months. I’ve read countless stories of people making the transition at her age and heard countless tales from families that have waited. The hardest part about the waiting was the cost. I’ve seriously turned into a bit of a miser. Alex would agree. Even though our second crib would be free we still needed to buy another crib mattress ($100) and paint it ($$). I knew by three we would transition Elizabeth out of her crib because she has been pulling her leg up and over the rail for the past few months (although never attempting true escape). All the rigmarole associated with two cribs seemed like a waste of money when we would just have to buy a twin bed in a year and in the back of my head I always wondered if she could do it. I know most people wait because of the “if it’s not broke, don’t change it” mentality.” I totally get that, but it wasn’t enough to sway me!

Our daughter, though she has her strong willed moments, is actually a fairly good listener for her age. She’s pretty mellow and for whatever reason I didn’t think we’d have any issues. In fact I almost dreaded switching things up later. Usually with decisions like this one I think of the worst case scenario. This to me was having to put the crib rail back on in a couple of days if all hell broke loose. It’s just a couple of screws. Didn’t seem like a horrible scenario to me. And that’s why you found me late Tuesday evening unscrewing a crib rail, spontaneously.

For the past few months, Elizabeth has stirred at night looking for her pacifiers. So it was no surprise the first night that she stirred twice in the middle of the night. This was normal. At midnight she was stuck because she was unable to turn around with the crib rail gone. At 3 am a little voice called out “help please, help please, help please” and I ran into her on the floor in the dark searching for her pacifier on the floor. It was comical. I tucked her safely back in bed and she slept until 7:45 and then we heard her doorknob twisting. She hasn’t quite caught on to the “stay in bed until mommy comes” part in the morning but at least she’s contained in her room and cannot escape.

The second night we didn’t hear a peep until 6:15 when we heard a thud and a cry. Somehow she did twist her way out of the bed. Oops. Nothing some cuddles with mommy in her bed couldn’t fix. Both naps have been super successful. She has stayed in bed and remained in bed until she wakes. No playing with toys or anything.

I know fully that this could be early success and we could be in trouble next week. But I also know that she could succeed and be ready for a twin bed next week. In fact, I think if we had a side rail on a twin bed she would actually do better than on a toddler mattress. But we are taking this one day at a time.

In the end I’m thankful, in a way, for my spur of the moment thoughts. Sometimes I wonder how I’ll ever know what she’s capable of if I never give her the chance to try something.

She may be ready for a big girl bed…but I would have never known until we tried it.

I’ll keep you posted if the crib stays put and everything falls apart:)

Summer Bucket List 2014

Our summer is going to be quite full. I have a post coming regarding our house plans, but we are planning on doing quite a bit of work to our exterior and yard this year. My husband jokes that by the time we get done we will be celebrating our 80th birthdays.

But despite all of our yard work and exterior projects, we love to spend time doing things as a family. At the beginning of the year we made a pact that we would budget in money each month to do special family fun days with our kids. Not all of them are expensive, but some can add up. We’ve been doing this ever since and those are some of my favorite memories since the 1st of the year. It’s just a way to keep us on track and we really do love doing things together.

SO this year our list isn’t that long and I know we may miss out on some of these. Either way it’s fun to have a list to look forward to and cross things off of as we make our way through. Between all the fun and work this summer I’m sure the end of this pregnancy will fly by!

 

1. Edina Pool days (we have a pass so I’m sure we will be there multiple times a week)

2. Farmer’s Market Saturdays

3. Minnesota Zoo

4. Como Zoo

5. Red Barn Pizza Farm in Northfield. (I cannot wait to do this one!!)

6. Picnic at the park

7. Gale Woods Farm Saturdays

8. Beach day at Bryant Lake Beach

9. Brainerd vacation (scheduled for early June)

10. Alexandria vacation in August with family

11. State Fair

12. Sprinkler

13. Playgrounds

14. Izzy’s for ice cream

15. Twins Game

16. Raspberry & Strawberry picking (maybe Blueberries?)

17. Homemade popsicles and ice cream

18. Outdoor barbecues

19. Splash pad

20. Hiking down by the river

What are some of your favorite things to do in the summertime in the Twin Cities?

Dear Elizabeth, on Mother’s Day

Dear sweet, sweet girl,

It may seem odd for me to write to you on Mother’s day but there’s nothing I’d rather be doing. You see, you made me a mother. There were two before you and of course they really made me a mother, but I got to hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet little face.

I get to mother you.

On Friday we spent our day turning millions of circles in endless games of “Ring around the Rosie.” It was your first time really understanding the game and by bedtime you were spinning your own circles singing “ashes, ashes, fall down,” complete with a dramatic fall of course.

And in the morning when you woke up, hair all a scatter and holding your blankies in your slowly thinning fingers, you called out “mommy, mommy.” And in I came and we caught each others eye and smiles took over.

I love each and every moment with you.

Even those times during the week when you flail your little arms and shake you little head back and forth and scream no. Even when mommy has to buckle your seatbelt and you get so frustrated that I didn’t wait just a few more minutes. And even when you purposefully disobey.

I love being your mama.

Sounds a little cliché maybe, like a hallmark card. I mean, how could I really enjoy most every moment with you. Most moms can’t wait to have a break and I’ll admit sometimes I do need a break but not because you’ve done anything wrong, mainly just because it’s a healthy thing for mommies and daddies to take a break. But I hope you know it’s really not a cliché to me. I truly look at you as a precious, precious gift.

I truly delight in living life with and alongside you.

I don’t know what the days or months or years hold in front of us Elizabeth. I don’t know how long I will live or how long you will live. But I do know that I will strive to point you to Jesus every single day and shower you with grace. And I will love you, in tangible and heartfelt ways, as lavishly as I can. It’s my promise.

You know firsthand that I am not a perfect mommy and I delight in that. Because it’s painting a bigger picture for you that we are not perfect and in every fiber of my being I pray you will see that the antidote to our brokenness is Jesus.

It’s like when we dance in the kitchen in the afternoon sunlight and David Crowder’s “How He Loves Us” streams out of my phone as loud as can be and every time you see mommy’s eyes fill with tears. Sweet girl it’s because my heart is overcome with love and joy. And I hold your little cheeks and look you in the eyes and repeat, “Elizabeth, Jesus love you so very much. Don’t ever forget that.” And you look at me and giggle.

I pray that He will overcome your heart.

He loves you with a love mommy will never come close to.

But I love you as close to that as I possibly can.

Elizabeth, my lizzy-lou, I’m so very blessed to be your mommy.

You’re making parenting my very most favorite job ever.

we bred a fish

And her name is Elizabeth Mae.

I think she could be part mermaid if they existed and if not a mermaid then a fish would work as well. I’m pretty certain I haven’t come across a baby yet who loves the water as much as Elizabeth or maybe that’s my (proud) mommy heart coming out.

But it’s true. With her first swimming lesson behind us it was obvious that it was her jam. With almost all the other kids in tears, Elizabeth added to the madness with happy shrieks and screams of joy. It was too much.

Alex is her number one swim partner so I just sit in the stands, take a bazillion pictures with my 50mm lens which is not right for swimming lessons, and watch with a giant smile pasted on my face. So the resulting photos as shown above our out of focus and blurry. Ugh.

For many of the 9 months I was pregnant I swam in the water. And I prayed for our daughter as I slowly made my way across the pool and I prayed she would come to enjoy the water. Her daddy and I are most certainly at home at the shore of a lake and water is like a second home to us. And after her first attempts at bath time went unsuccessfully, we didn’t quite know how this water thing would turn out.

But thankfully, she loves it. As seen most recently at her swim lesson where we could not let go of her arm or she would have jumped right in without anyone in the water to catch her. On our last trip to FL we tried out a puddle jumper life jacket now that she was too big for the inflatable raft and I would definitely recommend it. She has so much more freedom to move and swim and stay afloat on her tummy.

We’re looking forward with anticipation to our next lesson and the chaos of tears and shouts of joy intermixed. It’s quite the experience but the best part is seeing just what a fish we have.

To the water we go.

Elizabeth’s mid year update

(1st bus ride on the way to her 1st time at the State Fair-Sept. 2013)

I was going to title this “Elizabeth’s 15 month update” but as of today she’s 17 months old. Um, that’s not going to win me mom of the year, but maybe just maybe, acting like a fool day in and day out with her playing with toys just might. At least in her mind;)

Elizabeth is seriously hilarious. This kid has me in stitches day in and day out. Her latest thing is “helping” clean. She pushes around her mini swiffer and loves to pull out wipes and wipe down any surface that is nearby. She did not get this from me. At least I don’t think so. But she does do it so frequently that she must have. She’ll drool all over the floor and then run to find a wipe to clean it up. Fine by me.

(*by the way…if anyone has an old swiffer sweeper you can take out two of the bars that make up the handle and it becomes the perfect size broom for littles*)

When she’s not taking over the cleaning duties, you can find her dancing to music, walking throughout our basement holding her picnic basket (and has the bruises to prove it), or stomping her feet on the tabletop that is soon to be her toddler table. I swear she didn’t learn any of this from me, or by that I mean she’s learned all of this from me, her very quirky mother.

(playing outside-October 2013)

Needless to say, I’m amazed at who she’s become since her 1st birthday. She mimics most any word we say to her even though they all kind of sound the same. But she has the intonation down which is just part of the process. She loves to pray and often reminds us at dinnertimes by folding her hands and not eating. I can imagine her in her head being like “seriously, they teach me this and then they forget. hello, it’s time to pray!” Thankfully she’s not saying that yet.

The past few weeks have been a little interesting over here as we wrap up our remodeling project. All four of her incisors are cutting through as we speak and then hopefully 2 year molars will not come in any time soon. Once these four are in, she’ll have 16 teeth. With that mouthful she can eat just about anything with her favorites being: pickles, celery sticks, pretzels, cheese of any kind, rotisserie chicken, dried apricots, popcorn, scrambled eggs, apples, and peanut butter. She eats peanut butter by the spoon. And that she did learn from both of her parents. We’re all obsessed.

(Halloween 2013 - right before trick or treating)

Books have taken a back burner for her, although she does like to page through them from time to time, but that’s fine by me. She’s always ebbed and flowed so I’m sure they’ll be a favorite again. In their place have come puzzles, which she can actually place some pieces in, balls, and driving her cozy coupe outside. Still a rough and tumble girl she’s always game for climbing, tickling, and running outside. My in-laws just got a new dog and I think she was the perfect thing to get Elizabeth past her dog fears. They’re so much fun to watch with each other. She also by her own volition loves girly things like carrying bags and putting on headbands and wearing necklaces. Accessories are her best friend.

I think we have officially moved to one nap after a few weeks of being flexible and now she sleeps from about 12;30-2. Not long but she seems to make up for it at night and has been sleeping from 6:45/7pm-7:45/8am. Yesterday she didn’t wake up until almost 8:30 and we definitely were pacing outside her door:)

I can hardly believe that almost 1/2 of her 2nd year is almost already over. I mentioned to my girlfriends on our weekend away, but I’ll mention it here too, we really feel blessed to spend each and every day with this kid. Seriously, we don’t take the days for granted. Not to make it sound like it’s all bliss, it’s not. There’s times when pulling my hair seems more fun and exasperation is the air we’re breathing, but that’s part of the job. I’m not sure I’ve ever had a job where I’ve loved every minute of it but for me, this one comes pretty darn close.

We’re in the midst of my favorite age range for kiddos and I’m over the moon to sit and have a front row seat to see who she’s going to become. Fascinating. Watching kids learn and grow and develop and become adults. I wouldn’t miss want to miss that and I’m grateful I don’t have to. To be short and sweet, we’re all doing well and taking each day as it comes!

Devotional from today

Today I had the honor of giving the devotional at our MOMS group at church. I don’t normally do things like that but it was a very encouraging thing for me to do and hopefully my random thoughts encouraged someone. But a friend asked what I shared, so I thought why not just put it here. Because I prefer to write things down I took this up and basically read it word for word with some added fodder and attempted to look up so as not to seem like a horrible public speaker.

So here you go:

My husband and I, after 2 years of marriage, began to think that starting a family would be a good thing. But we didn’t end up having our daughter until our 6^th year of marriage so it took us awhile. And the waiting was hard. And something I really struggled with was letting go of the idea of being a parent. I had a fear that we would be childless, or more broadly, that my vision for the future would not be as I imagined. And I had to face that fear.

Our story was kind of unique in that my husband, while he wanted children, he could also could imagine our future without them. And that really scared me. Because I had always wanted to be a mother. In fact, all through college I struggled to find something comparable. Something I’d do until I had children. I remember telling my dad at one point, “but dad I just want to be a mom and be on the PTA.”

But God had a different plan for us. And while we waited I steeped myself in the word and wrestled through the promises and sought to know who God said He was and what that meant for me.

And I found that God is all we need. God is a giver of all good things. God is incredibly good and no evil resides within him. God is not withholding something I want because he is mean, he’s withholding because he has something better. God is our refuge; we can joyfully abide under his wings. God is for us, all the time.

And I sat in Psalm 62 and 63.

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God, he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times.” Psalm 62:5-8

“I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands” Psalm 63:2-4

And after waiting for 3 ½ years we got pregnant twice and those babies are now at the feet of Jesus. No better place for them to be I’ve come to discern. And soon after those losses, He gave us our Elizabeth. I had realized through the waiting, through the Word, through the tears and unknowns, and through the losses that God was more than enough for everything I was walking through.

More than Enough.

He kept me, encouraged me, held me, loved me, helped me, cared for me, provided what I needed in His word, gave me wisdom from the pulpit to feed my soul, and then He gave us our daughter when we least expected it.

I can still remember the day, after taking a break from medical intervention, when my husband shared that he felt it was time to go back. We were on a year long sabbatical from trying for babies, discerning what the Lord had for us in the future, figuring out how to move forward. And the Lord had just brought me to a place that I knew I would be okay, in Him, if we never had children. My dream, my fear had been surrendered at the feet of Jesus, knowing that whatever He had in store for us was good and better than parenthood. I stood on the ground that God was more than enough and just a few months later He gave us Elizabeth.

It seems when we our given a gift we never even thought possible, the gift has far greater meaning. Like the cross and forgiveness through the blood of Jesus. We call Elizabeth tangible grace when we speak of the Lord’s goodness to us. She’s undeserved favor that we can enjoy with our own two hands.

And we’ve all been given good gifts from the Lord. I’ll assume if you’re here you probably have children. And our children are incredible blessings from the Lord, gifts given, tangible grace. And all good gifts are meant to be enjoyed for our joy and for His glory. It is good to delight in our children.

From a spirit of fear that our future would not be as I thought it would, to fully believing that God was enough even if we never had that dream fulfilled, has given me such freedom to enjoy the gift He has given us in our daughter and helped me in the days and hours when parenting is really hard work.

God, everyday in our parenting, in the struggles, in the pain, in the rejoicing, in the waiting for salvation, in the moments we want to pull our hair out. He is always enough, well more than enough for us.

We can find rest in Him because He alone is our ever present help in time of need, our refuge, our mighty rock. He alone is better than life and He is more than enough for everything that comes our way.

The day of unfortunate events

Sunday morning I awoke early and while lying awake the silence was broken by the sound of a small little cough from the next room. Baby girl had awoken and it seemed the cold that was burgeoning the night before had not broken but only grew worse.

I slowly ambled next door to her room, wrapping my robe about me, and found her smiling at her crib rail, trying patiently to hold back the coughing fits. As I grew closer to her I realized that the clear stuffy nose I thought was due primarily to the three molars emerging, was instead green snot oozing from her nose. Ugh. Summer cold at hand.

And my next thought was coffee. I was going to need coffee to get through this day. And we headed downstairs to the coffeemaker when I realized I never bought coffee filters the day before. Plus coffee making just seemed like too much work and so we waited, playing quietly for 8am to come around so we could head to Target for cold supplies and the coffee that would start my day.

Not wanting to wait longer we started out earlier, somehow forgetting the time the store opens, and arrived at 7:45 to closed doors. To Walgreens we’ll go and grab coffee next door and so we drove and ugh. The door read 8am. Sunday morning doesn’t bring early customers I suppose. And so we walked next door and secured what seemed to be the only thing going for me. The coffee that would help get me through. And it was good.

As 8am rolled around we found our way to the sickness aisle and found our needed supplies; more Vicks for her heels, saline spray, cold tablets, boogie wipes, and apple juice. Armed with enough germ fighting supplies I left feeling confident this day would get better. And for awhile it did.

But then I remembered that our small group was supposed to be meeting at our house later that afternoon. Surely so many with tiny ones wouldn’t want to be in the sick house despite quarantining baby girl off to the lower level. Thankfully a friend offered up their house and I would still bring the food I was planning on serving.

So as the day passed we watched cartoons, played on the floor, read books, drank apple juice, napped, and somehow I still managed  to make the meal for our small group. After the last nap of the day the hours dwindled and Nana and Papa arrived for baby watching.

We welcomed them in and noting that I had some time to spare I sat down to chat with them and then it happened. Baby girl came running towards me, tripped on the carpet, and I watched, unable to stop her, as she slammed her chin into the chair I was sitting in. Not usually one to cry after something like that I knew as the sobs came that something wasn’t quite right. I quickly picked her up and oh my, the blood.

Pouring out of her mouth it came, as I ran with her to the kitchen and attempted to the best of my ability to get it to stop. Her shirt looked like a crime scene, stained red and her poor little mouth had seen better days. Two puncture wounds to her bottom lip and a 3/4 inch slice under her lip. Poor baby had a puffy lip and a stuffy nose. This day wasn’t necessarily getting better.

And after getting the gushing to stop we assessed. All three of us trying to discern how bad the damage was. And on the phone I got, calling our after hours care at our clinic. It was then that I realized my inability to understand math was really going to hinder our ability to communicate. The doctor on call returned my phone call and asked how bad things were. I said she had a couple of lacerations on her lip around 2cm. What I meant was 2mm but apparently in all the excitement my brain ceased to function despite all the coffee I had made sure to consume.

And it seemed that once I could fully communicate the damage across phone lines, the final decision was to head to the ER in fear that the cut under her lip would need some attention. Unfortunately our food never made it to small group and neither did I, but that was far less of an issue. I realized then how thankful and blessed I was to have my in-laws along for the adventure our Sunday afternoon turned into. It was so nice to have some company. And as I sat down in the waiting room my mind discerned that this was probably not going to be our last time here. Our baby girl is incredibly curious and adventurous. I might as well make peace with that now. At least I had the forethought at the beginning of summer to purchase a first aid kit for the car which came in handy when the doctor told us to apply gauze to her lips. Well chalk that up as a win for me. Gauze I can do.

No stitches were needed and by the time we left the ER an hour later it seemed our daughter thought the whole ordeal was no big deal. A big fat lip was not going to stop her from eating, drinking out of her straw cup, or sucking on her pacifier. I’m often astounded at her pain tolerance. She definitely didn’t get that from me.

And on arrival home we both breathed in a big sigh of relief as daddy walked through the door. And to think we had dinner, ready and waiting for us. Somehow the little things were taken care of. We’d come full circle yesterday…a good start with an even better end and everything we could possibly imagine in between.

And over our late dinner, my heart reminded me that it seems when we’re all together again everything is right in our little world.

Elizabeth at One Year

I’ve been dreading the thought of writing this.

I’m in denial.

Somehow 12 months passed before our eyes in an instant. Each one of those 365 full days filled with awe. It’s an incredible gift to watch a baby go from sleeping all day, with eyes barely open to a full fledged, walking, squealing toddler. All the life changes that have happened in a mere 12 months. The holding up of a head, finding hands and feet, seeing the world for the first time. Not to mention sitting up, babbling, smiling, eating, rolling over, standing, talking/signing, laughing, walking. Incredible.

And to think as her mother, I was able to be there for all of those firsts. Blessing upon blessing. From before she was born we began the process of taking every little moment in. In the midst of waiting, we hoped. In the midst of growing her, we loved. In the midst of watching her, we marveled. I’m not sure if it was the waiting that came before, but we’ve been soaking these days up so they never fade away; putting aside things just to play, and cuddle, and laugh, and sing.

God always knows what we need before we receive it and He knew we needed Elizabeth in our lives. She has shown us so many things about ourselves, given new meaning to grace, and unearthed years of struggle and joy. And she has allowed us to love like never before. This daughter of ours…to think I get to be her mother. Amazing.

I’ve needed her. Truly and selfishly, I have. In some ways, I fear failure. Somewhere along the line fear has crept in and flowed over. But Elizabeth, she faces everything head on. Curiosity and bravery are in her. Just last night, while we were sitting in our backyard, she toddled next door to play in our neighbor’s sprinkler. The water was pelting out in a large stream and towards it she went. And she got close, two feet away close, then turned and ran back toward us, a big smile on her face.

And I want to do everything I can to foster this unquenchable curiosity. I find myself saying “be careful” more than I say “no”. She is fearless, curious, full of joy, and mama’s little helper. She loves to help; put diapers in the garbage, empty the dishwasher, take things out of the fridge. Any way she can, she wants to be a part of our every day going-on’s. I love this about her emerging personality.

At one year old, she’s been ahead of the curve in some areas and not so ahead in others. But everyday it seems she wakes up ready for the day and you can just see her brain begin to take everything in. From the cocking of her head to hear the birds, her bouncing when music fills the room, feeling the rocks in her hands, splashing the water in the pool, watching intently as daddy works on our deck. It’s amazing to watch someone learn, taking the world in around her. Right now trying to master the buckles on her high chair and stroller keeps her attention for quite some time.

As she flushes the toilet in amazement, her brain is taking in cause and effect. Feeling the rocks, tasting her toys, crinkling paper. All the senses finding their way. I just love re-learning everything around me through her eyes. Of course, every day isn’t perfect, she’s not perfect, and like any other toddler she is incredibly determined. There’s discipline intermixed, tears falling, but through it all, she’s learning life, right alongside of us. Consequences, grace, manners, how things work, how they taste, how they move. All created for us.

That’s what life is, learning and re-learning, walking in grace, growing, being sanctified, falling down and getting back up. As much as we teach her and more, she’s teaching us. About so many different things.

To say we’re blessed to have her in our lives doesn’t seem to quite envelop all that’s in our hearts. She’s ours. And those two words seem a dream come true. So many things we pray for her but mostly we just want her to grow just as He created her to be…uniquely her.

And as you may have noticed, this was less about milestones and more about how our family has changed for the better, but in case you are curious about Elizabeth, here are some little tidbits.

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Elizabeth’s 1st Favorites

Foods: Anything and everything…scrambled eggs, smoothies, carnitas from Chipotle, mexican food, pasta, peas, berries, graham crackers

Toys: Anything that isn’t a toy…rocks, paper, the dirt pile in our backyard, keys…the swimming pool, her picnic basket, and any type of ball

Sizes: She weighs 22 pounds, wears a size 4 diaper, and 12-18 month clothing

Sleep: 2-1.5 hour naps and 12 hours at night with her blankie and pacifier

Words: Uh-oh, mama, dada, bye-bye, blankie (which sounds just like bye-bye)

Abilities: walking, running, squatting, blowing, squealing, putting her face in the water, drinking from a straw, ring stacker, waving, kissing, clapping

1st birthday planning

Someone is having a birthday very soon!

So of course, there’s a bit of birthday planning going on in our house. In just 21 short days Elizabeth will be turning one. We are not doing anything big, just a party with family, but I did want to have a theme and do some fun things.

Alex and I love birthdays and love making each other feel really special on our special day. Although we don’t really get into gifts, we do like to do and eat things that the birthday person enjoys on their day. We’re both excited to welcome Elizabeth into our birthday traditions this year.

Because Elizabeth’s birthday falls so closely to her cousin Jace, I’m sure this will be one of the few birthdays where we have people traveling here to MN to celebrate. We’re thinking in years to come, if we can swing it, that we will travel to WI and have a joint family party.

I love watching and seeing how others make birthdays special. Everyone has their own unique way of celebrating, traditions they keep, and some people go over the top and some keep it really simple at home. That’s the beauty of birthdays. So personalized to your family and the way you do things.

This year, I chose a strawberry theme, which seemed fitting seeing as I went into labor last year just a week after going strawberry picking. And alas, the theme is held really loosely. Here’s the mood board for the party and we’ll see how things turn out. I’ve already completed her birthday banner and can’t wait for it to be used for years to come.

This photo below started the daydreaming as I love this cake and color scheme:

And then I found a similar print fabric which became inspiration for the banner:

Which then became the color scheme for the party:

      Striped Straws / Invitation / Berry Baskets / Polka Dot Runner / Cupcakes

We’re planning a very low key picnic party with strawberries in baskets, flowers in mason jars, polka dot encased tables, vanilla cupcakes with pink buttercream, lots of laughing, eating, and celebrating of our success in making it through the first year still smiling!

How did you celebrate one? And curious, gift ideas? Or no gifts?

Elizabeth-11 months old

334 days you have been with us.

And not one of them was guaranteed.

All of them a gift. A much grace filled gift.

Seems folly to write of our days with you when hearts are hurting in Oklahoma, but to not embrace what we have been given today would also seem folly. And today we’re embracing you, celebrating you.

Elizabeth, you bring us incredible joy. It is our privilege to be your momma and daddy. To think there are only 31 more days until you’ve been tangible grace before us for an entire year seems almost unimaginable.

11 months, dear girl, filled with tears and laughter and cuddling and smiling. You are our kind hearted girl. You have a very curious spirit, always interested in how things work. You are spunky and as quiet as you can be, you can also be loud. Shrieking and shouting are your newest fascinations and you jabber up a storm. We’re impressed by your comprehension as you readily complete what we ask of you (for the most part). You love to be near your momma, “helping” in any way you can.

Your loving nature spills over in giving kisses, open mouth and all, and you are fascinated by kids that are younger than you. Even fascinated by those who are older than you but still immobile. Yes, you are on the go dear girl. You are almost running now that you have walking down and just today you stood up without having to hold on to something. You can cruise right up the stairs and love to play at the park on all the equipment. You love to be around people and as much as you sometimes like to interact you equally love to just take everything in. You are a very good listener and right now will obey momma and daddy when we say no. We’ve also seen some mini-fits when you can’t quite seem to communicate what you want. Although communicating is getting easier as you can sign “all done” and “more.”

I could go on and on about you…we love you so very, very much!

thoughts on mother’s day

today is my first real mother’s day with a real live baby to cuddle and love. and I’m terrified of the emotions that have come with it.

every day I feel blessed to be elizabeth’s mommy. to hold her and snuggle her and teach her and love her. she’s still and always will be an example of God’s incredible kindness towards us. we don’t even come close to deserving her.

but the emotions that found me leading up to this day frightened me. my first real mother’s day and expectations that I began to put forth in my mind from the world. I remember when we were waiting and expecting having a better mindset on mother’s day. Yes, mother’s do deserve to be celebrated but it’s still just another day. because when you are waiting and hoping and grieving this day seems to be viewed with better clarity.

one year in the waiting I remember the elder or pastor, not our main pastor, asking all the mothers to stand up. to stand up. and to this day I can remember the emotions. tears flowed instantly and out I ran. I can remember thinking “all I want is to be able to stand up.” that was my worst experience with mother’s day to date.

but this year…it began to feel like it needed to be a day all.about.me. How would Alex celebrate me. What pinterest inspired craft would he come up with to show his love (seriously, what was I thinking…what men go on pinterest to make a craft for their wife?). Satan got ahold of me. And last night as I sat with my husband I went full circle with all my emotions.

Yes, I need to hear from him that he’s proud of me and yes, I need to hear that the job I’m doing is worthwhile. But I don’t need to hear that I’m perfect (far from it), that I’m the world’s best mom (I’m not), I don’t need to hear how I’m a saint for doing my job (again, far from it).

funny how a heart can be so fickle. in the waiting I longed for this day and made it less than what it should be and on this side I longed for this day and made it more than it should be.

and I know so many for whom this day is hard. they get to be celebrated but they are unable to celebrate their own mothers. they don’t get to stand up but they have mother’s to celebrate. and some are unable to do either.

why do we do this? I’m still baffled by all the emotions and how the world can make one day so puffed up. what a good reminder to keep my head in the Book. to remember where the best accolades will come from. where to keep hope.

One day I’ll hear the greatest words, “well done” and all the cards and worldly accolades will be rubbish in comparison.

just thinking this all through and trying to find the happy medium.

happy mother’s day…

Fun in the Sun

Somehow when spring ushered in we also gained a toddler. Discontent to crawl anywhere anymore we’re having fun trying to run. Here’s our girl on one of our unusually hot spring days playing at our new water table.

Elizabeth: 10 Months Old

60 more days give or take and our baby has been here, with us, for an entire year. That seems crazy. The years of waiting seemed to take forever and now life is passing us by in seconds. Month 10 was delightful to sum it up in one word.

There she is in all her curious, giggly, and serious moods. She loves that blankie! I never knew what lovie she would end up with and of course, she loves the biggest blanket she owns…figures, just like her momma.

Elizabeth is delightful. That’s my favorite word to describe her. Content most of the time, curious and very in tune with what is going on around her. She is silly and just this month began initiating peek-a-boo. It’s hilarious and she’s also content to play peek-a-boo all by herself. She loves to be near us and as long as we’re in the same room, she’s happy to play on her own. She loves “reading” books especially touch and feel books. It’s so cute to watch her find the fuzzy parts and touch them. She also loves our vent covers on the floor (so much Alex just “glued” them down with caulk) and anything she can get her hands on that is not a toy.

Month 10 ushered in some new abilities. Elizabeth took her first steps a couple of days before turning 10 months. I couldn’t be happier. I was beginning to dread a summer crawling outside on her knees and now maybe by the time summer is in full swing she’ll be more proficient on her feet. She’s clapping toys together but still can’t quite seem to get her hands to do it on their own and waving is a whole arm production that can happen on cue some of the time. But she can play “so big” and raise her hands at the correct time. We do how big is God but she can also do it when asking “how big is Elizabeth?”

Elizabeth doing “so big”

And while she’s babbling up a storm, this month’s favorite’s are “oooooo” and “dadadadada,” she doesn’t have any set words other than “uh-oh” which she now says almost entirely at the correct time.

Elizabeth’s first steps

life on a monday

monday morning at our house after a delightful full night’s sleep

oh happy day

A million little choices

The days are filled with a million little choices. Some are fleeting, while others build foundations. The depths of our souls are made known in everyday actions.

This morning, upon rising, we were met with the beauty of snow covered branches. And our day of a million little choices began. To accept or complain.

As I took Elizabeth to the window she was fixated, staring out at the beauty. I had two choices and my mouth spoke…"Look, Elizabeth. Isn’t the snow beautiful. God made the snow.” Because spring will come in time, but He holds the storehouses in His hands. And He gives His children GOOD things.

Thankfulness flooded my heart that this time I was not prone to complain. That my response did not sound like “Ugh. Snow again. When will spring come.” Because that response only echo's a discontentment with the gifts from the Giver. I’m so far from getting it right, mind you. But my heart overwhelmingly wants her to know of His goodness. Wants her to see beauty in the unexpected. Wants her to welcome good gifts in all their seasons.

As a mother I’m quickly realizing the magnitude these little choices hold. I’m fallen. I’ll never get it right. Never do it perfectly. But as I figure out my role and the influence it holds, I’m ever more cautious with my tongue, with those choices entrusted to me.

It begins with the dawn and ends with the night, ever cyclical, and I can’t shake the reality that day in and day out I’m helping mold a little mind. My little disciple follows me about all the day on hands and knees, already mimicking the sounds and sights she sees. Feasting her eyes on the world, learning what she can expect. Will she expect spring to follow winter or will she expect the falling of snow to cease on March 1st? Because spring will come. Will she expect to have all she wants or will she expect that she will have all she needs? Because He gives us all we need. And the thoughts go on through my mind.

Willing my heart to expect what is spoken in the Book and not the thoughts amongst the world all around. Praying for little expectation regarding the circumstances around me. For expectations are a funny thing. They can bring so much joy and so much sorrow. I’ve been learning a valuable lesson through the years on expectations.

The less I expect from the fallen world around me and the more I trust His sovereignty, the more joy that will fill my heart.

It seems like so long ago that a lesson was taught to my heart full of disappointment. Fewer expectations bring more joy. Seemed backward at the time. Seemed silly to not expect people to do certain things. To not expect the weather to change. To not expect the world to go exactly the way that I anticipated it should.

I can see my pride ever before me. Those respectable sins.

In the beginning, I admit, the letting go came purely out of the thought that if I let go of expectations then I’ll be disappointed less often. This truly is the case. But it was less of a God thing and more of a selfish, I-don’t-want-to-hurt kind of thing.

But as He taught me little by little, a million little choices at a time, to instead look up, to trust Him, to see the joy in the everyday, the reason behind my thinking began to change and joy began to replace the disappointment. And not only did He reveal this through His word, He kept refining the work by walking me through trial after trial. Helping me make peace with the past. Helping me think of things in a way that glorifies.

I won’t expect my dad to be someone and something that he isn’t.

I won’t expect my husband to know what I’m thinking or to read my mind.

I won’t expect Elizabeth to sleep the same way everyday or always obey.

I won’t expect that the weather will change when I’m ready for it to.

And the list goes on.

Because how can I expect perfection from the fallen.

A million little choices face me everyday. Face us all.

And a little one is watching.

So is the world.

What will they see?