myth: God cannot be loving if I cannot conceive

Infertility is a part of our family.  Our family of two.  We talk about it like we talk about the weather.   Sometimes so much that we are so sick of having to talk about it.  It’s become our familiar friend.  Month after month we’re reminded that something we long for just wasn’t meant to be.   And we wait.  We are getting good at waiting.  It has always been a battle of the mind.  Fighting against the thoughts that it creep in muddling our sanity.  It must be our fault.  I must have done something to be this way.  Maybe if I do this, we’ll get pregnant and we won’t have to walk this road anymore.  It has become a cyclical road: hope followed by the silent reminder that things are not as we hoped.

This week was National Infertility Awareness Week.  I just didn’t feel like I could let it go by without posting something.  Our journey has been recorded through words on the page.  Emotional words, words filled with sadness, but mostly words filled with hope and faith.  Because we’ve learned we are not that different from you.  And we want you to know that you are not that different than we are, even if you have children.

Resolve: The National Infertility Network is encouraging people to participate in Bust An Infertility Myth Challenge.  Because of all the women who have bolstered beside me and pointed me to hope I wanted to participate.  To let you know that you are not alone and to thank you for helping me feel incredibly loved.   

Infertility is a funny thing really.  Women and men have battled infertility for centuries.  The Bible tells us so.  Ninety years of barrenness Sarah waited.  I’ve waited 2.  Seems silly really.  But somehow  that doesn’t always change the hurt inside.  Did you know that 1 in 8 couples suffers from infertility?  In our 2 years I’ve met 8 couples that are walking this road.

Do you know someone who’s battling infertility?  If you do, they need you to remind them, God is good.  So many think if we don’t get what we want when we want it then God must not be good.  If I’ve learned anything through the waiting it’s that my God is INCREDIBLY good.

God being good is not equated with getting what we want.  Seeing infertility as good might sound a little sideways; you may want to stop reading.  Please don’t.  Infertility isn’t good in and of itself.  It’s a product of the fall.  But through this waiting I’m learning more about who He is.  And for that, I’m grateful.  How we view adversity can affect our entire being.

You may not believe in my God.  You may not call Him by name.  He may not be your best friend.  But He’s mine.  Creator of the Universe, Jehovah Jireh (Provider), all-powerful, all-sufficient, loving.  He’s my God.  And in this trial the words of the Book of Life have become my strength.

In the tears, when no one can truly feel my emotions.  He can.

When I feel alone, my soul finds comfort.  He’s always with me.

If I ask why, he whispers in my ear.  My ways are not your ways.

When my heart cries, Are you there?  He answers, Always.

If I ask how long Lord?  He gently answers, I’ll carry you.

I’m thankful He takes me in His arms.  He wraps me in His love.  He promises me that He will never leave me or forsake me.  He bottles my tears in His book and gently wipes them away.  He is familiar with my pain.  He has waited.  He has hurt.  He has wanted.  He has asked for the cup to be taken from Him.  He’s good.  All the time. 

And because of Him, I can walk through the fire and not be burned.  I can hope that He will hear my cries and answer me.  And I can be content because His best is better than anything I can imagine.  It hurts.  It is painful.  It is a battle.  There are days I have questioned His goodness.  There have been plenty of times I’ve acted like a 2 year old, spitting angry, stomping my feet in imperfect selfishness.  And I’ve felt empty every time.

But I’m always brought back to the truth.  He’s good.  There is no evil in Him.  I am not being punished and neither are you. 

We are being made holy by way of life’s trials. And He’s been there.  And He’s with us.  And by the road of infertility, or cancer, or MS, or by any adversity, we’ll be made to be women who Hope with great faith and are Content in Him.  We’ll have great joy even in the midst.  That’s a strong woman.   I want to be a strong woman.

Believe He’s good. 

It changes everything. 

I promise because He promised me.