letting life shine amidst the bathroom chatter

It seems like yesterday but in all reality it was over 4 years ago. That moment after we found out that we were expecting and I began to wonder about the sex of our baby. Inside I really wanted a boy. Mainly due to all those years of nannying boys and even more so out of fear of having to raise girls. And I began having dreams of a daughter. Then the writing was on the wall. Ballet pink splayed across the dining room.

It was then that every fear or anxiety I had about raising girls came at me like a blunt force. Me. Having girls. This grown woman with so many skeletons in the closet. Well not really in the closet, because most have come out to the open. But knowing what was in store for them. And more importantly, not knowing what was in store for them. What would childhood look like? And adolescence? And leaving the nest? Would they be bullied, or swayed by the sexy notions of the time or would they be the bully or the mean girl (please Lord no!)

All I could do and all I can do is pray. Well pray and help pave the way, right? I remember chatting over my fears with my husband and earnestly, almost as a plea, asking him to set our family on the offensive. Let's be on the offensive, right? See what's coming before it comes. Start the conversations before they are in the middle of it. Not get swayed by what the world is screaming. Not get swayed by what the church is screaming. Asking him to help me get swayed by what the WORD is screaming.

And then God gave me another little girl. And I felt a little like Sarah when she finds out she's pregnant with Isaac, laughing, in a sad and happy manner knowing full well that that which He has called me to, He will equip me for that work, even though it seems near impossible. Thank you Lord. Because raising girls, raising kids, that's work we cannot do without help.

And as any mother or parent or human being knows, what we do and what we say and how we act and how we love does not go unnoticed. It's why we can see ourselves in our best and in our worst playing in a motion picture right in front of us. The shortened temper, the kindness to a stranger, the cute and odd idiosyncrasies we all have, the joy in a beautiful day, the list could go on. And it matters what we offer up to them. It matters. Thanks be to God again that every single day is a new opportunity to do it better. To offer more grace. To show more love. To mess up and offer forgiveness. You get the idea.

Some mornings I wake up and the mercies don't seem new. I awake with the same attitude or mindset, only to offer it up again on the altar. Continually offering, well beckoning in my case, for more and more help. To raise these little girls in a way that offers the world as large of a piece of Jesus as our family possibly can. And boy do we get it wrong some days. But that's displaying the amazing work of grace and mercy. Free to sinners who fail.

That's the point right. Boy or girl. To love God and love others. To spread a passion for Jesus. And our words hold no sway if our actions aren't following right behind them. And then we start our day, we read the news, we begin to worry. We cast vision for our children, we want to mother hen the heck of them. To protect them. To keep them. To shield those little eyes. Right?

In these past almost 4 years of motherhood, I find myself consistently wanting to mother hen my girls. To keep them from my own mistakes. To shield and protect them. To not let them see or know or experience the evils the world holds. Just about a month ago I sat in bed reading articles on my phone...we're silly that way. And the two I read pertained to girls and social media. About how girls were beginning to give their bodies away to boys because they felt so much pressure to have sex that it was easier to just give in and get sex over with. Of boys asking for nude photos of girls to be sent via the kik app. So on and so forth. And my heart ached. God's good plan for sex...which is good and lovely and so fulfilling, so skewed and spent years too soon. My heart physically ached for the pain and hurt and damage that's being done to these sweet young girls. Ached. And I prayed for them and for my own sweet little girls to be guarded from sexual pressure.

Talk about sex, in an age appropriate way friends. Talk about it plain as day...about what the Bible has to say about how our kiddos are formed, who forms them, who loves them, how He made them and that all He's done is good. Remind them of their good good Father who has created them for His work. He's made them and us friends, to live a life that shines. To shine the light of Jesus.

And now the news of transgender bathrooms. Target's endorsement. The multiple petitions and chatter on how we should stand and fight and never shop at Target again. And I'm not making light of it. Believe me, as a momma to two young sweet girls, I'm not making light of it.

But I have been earnestly praying. For wisdom and discernment. For love to shine. Because friends, those boys and girls, men and women are struggling with their gender identity. They're made in the image of God. They're real people. And because of the sin that infiltrated the world we live in, because I'm using the Bible as my lens, they're confused and hurting. Some believe they were created to be homosexual, transgender, bisexual. But because again, I'm using the Bible as my lens, they were created in the image of God, as male or female. But sin, well sin frustrates God's good plan that He's bringing back to perfection. Soon and very soon.

As a family this past year, we've been studying the book of Revelation through Bible Study Fellowship. Revelation, as Elizabeth would sing,..."The Book of revelation says what God is going to do." Friends, it doesn't matter what your theology says about the book of Revelation. (although its great to figure that out.) The biggest takeaway from the book of Revelation is that millions of people will be swept into eternal darkness and despair because they would not denounce the world and follow Jesus. The biggest takeaway is one of Jesus greatest commands "Go and make disciples of all nations..." Go and live a life that shines for Jesus. That shares Jesus.

And with that lens, I'm reviewing the bathroom issue. I've got these sweet girls, friends. They're little and impressionable. And they watch. Oh dear, do they watch. They watch in the uncomfortable staring kind of watching. How will momma react? How will those people react? What is this world we are living in? How do things work? All the questions their little brains are trying to answer and put into perspective.

And here's my chance to pave the way. To start on the offensive. To lead them through this. And the only thing I keep hearing in the Word and in my heart is, LOVE. Love them. Show them how to love.

And here's the deal. As I see it, for the unforeseeable future my daughters will go to the bathroom before we leave. We will use a unisex bathroom as a group of three. Or friends, we will walk in that bathroom in twos or more. And we will look anyone we see in the eye and smile. We will offer kindness. We will not be scared or timid. We will not shy away from questions when they come if there's a male in the bathroom. We will confront them head on. Because this isn't new. This isn't new my friends.

Sodom and Gomorrah came down in an instant.

We happen to know those who consider themselves homosexual or transgender. We happen to know where they are at. We've been able to love them. Alex has share the gospel, he's used his friendship with these individuals to share the love. To let life shine for good.

It's not loving to boycott or never use a bathroom or never meet the issues head on for anyone. It's not loving to our kiddos not to talk about what's happening. What's going on. It's not loving to shame those confused or living life differently from ourselves. It's not loving to turn the other way in disgust or treat them as if they are all child molesters. It's hovering under the notion that removing ourselves will be easier or keep us safer or protect us or protect our kiddos.

I know we are called to protect our kiddos. I'm not deeming that silly. I'm not saying it's not important. You remember I've got two little girls. Two precious little girls. I would rather die than allow something hurtful to happen to them. And I know the idea of sexual predators in the bathroom is real. I'm not negating that allowing men to use the women's restroom and vice versa won't have adverse affects. I don't take any of those things lightly.

There are still options for us. Still good options such as single unisex restrooms. And from what I've read through Revelation and the New Testament, we've only got more destruction, more sin, more pressures coming as we take a stand for Christ. It's not magically going to get easier. We don't let the doors slam us down and hide in fear, we stand tall. We stand strong. And we love. We let our lives shine bright.

Because God's got us. He's got us. The God who created the entire world, who created you and me and millions of others, knows the hairs on our heads. Knows who is in the bathrooms in every part of the world. And He's still called us to love...to love and share and lay ourselves down and dump ourselves out for His glory.

Take this life and let us shine friends. And let your children join in.

"If the Lord wills..."

I I can remember the feeling I had in my heart after having gone on a couple of dates with Alex and him sitting with me at Dunn Brothers and saying "I think we should not continue dating."

I probably should have been heart sick or disappointed but instead I said "okay," and later left and called my dear friend. And to her I said, "He's going to change his mind...this is the guy."

I cannot say that the next day he called back with an alternate plan. He didn't. But months later, our paths again crossed and this time, as the Lord willed, we began dating. Not fairytale months of dating. Hard, prayerful, sin exposing and still fun and exciting if that's possible, months off dating. Until we were engaged and then married.

Somehow at that moment, after hearing his words, my heart was certain God would bring us back together.

James 4:13-17 reminds me that our plans are not ours, life is yet for a moment, the Lord holds the details and is totally in control. 

Because today we find ourselves with an answer to prayer that we began praying almost two years ago. Lord, if you will, help us discern where we should be. Whether we move or stay. 

When we started attending our current church it didn't take long for us to fall in love with the people, the teaching, the church. And we began to realize that if we really wanted to invest in the church and send our daughters to some of the charter schools we were looking at, that a move may be in store.

And yet, we just kept plugging along at updating our house. Not knowing where the Lord would have us. Thinking that the best solution was to stay. Pay off our house. Keep driving. We thought our roots were set in place but there was that back of the mind notion of moving that just wouldn't go away.

And here we find ourselves today, having prayed and negotiated and prayed and prayed, with a purchase agreement secured on our house and a soon to be builder agreement for a house much closer to our church and our church family.

I didn't have that same, we will move certainty like I did that I would marry Alex.  But we left the decision up to the Lord and He's shown us that moving is in our 

We can say today, with confidence, that moving, while bittersweet is exactly where the Lord is leading us. And we couldn't be more excited.

Through these years and months of praying and trying to take ourselves out of the equation, we've realized that our house isn't as important as we once thought. We are looking forward to building a house, but it will never be what we've created in our current home. It won't be as custom or as detailed. But it's a home, a beautiful home...one that's finished, that frees our family up to serve and give of our time to others. To our church. To family and friends.

Not to mention we are very excited to have more accessibility to being outdoors as a family. Biking, walking, playing at the park. 

So as the Lord has willed, we will move later this summer from our home in Bloomington where roots were starting to be planted to Victoria where those roots will dig down deep...unless, of course, He wills to move us again. 

What's inside your bag?

I rarely read blogs hear days but posts like this are always some of my favorites. 

I just changed out my bag for spring and once I saw all the contents I thought it would be fun to share. Mainly because of one little bag that's an addition to my purse, and it's a little bag I love!

Here's my new bag...a Pottery Barn Kids striped diaper tote I picked up during one of their latest sales for $15! Score!!

And here's what the inside looks like all packed up. 

Things I have with me at all times...my planner, my wallet, a pacifier, Meghan's diaper pouch and my new floral oil bag. 

I had a diaper pouch like this for Elizabeth when she was little. Monogrammed with her name just like Meghan's and it's perfect for nursery drop off and keeping things all in one place. The nursery workers love it because it has her name on it and it's not a huge diaper bag. It usually holds diapers, wipes, a sippy cup and a bib. I bought both of them at Pottery Barn Kids on sale. They are their normal wet bags so they are lined with a waterproof lining which is great. They double as a spot for wet bathing suits after the pool in the summer😉

Next I have my new oil bag from Red Fox Lane on Etsy. I can sew but I'd rather just purchase from someone else and have it done right away in this season of life😉 Just FYI this holds way more than oils. I have it stocked for a trip so there are more oils in here than normal. 

This looks small but it's a powerhouse. I have so much in here all organized because of the oil slots.

I have rollerballs, hand sanitizer spray, bug spray, sunscreen stick, lip balms, lipgloss, aquaphor, diaper cream, a pen, meds, bandaids and neosporin, nail clippers, and a Breathe vapor stick. There's still plenty of room for other things as well. It's like a medicine cabinet in a bag. Even if you don't oil I would recommend it!

Lastly my planner, my favorite wallet (Hobo Lauren), my small Bible and a pad of paper. There's a changing pad that came with the bag that I keep in here for traveling but otherwise I take it out.

So what in things do you have in your bag? Any favorites I'm missing??

One big decision ahead

The last time I posted I had high hopes of writing more often. But then, as it often does, life intervened and my plans were thwarted. These past few weeks our family has been mulling over and praying over the idea of moving. We've been searching and driving all over the west metro.

This isn't necessarily a new thing...but definitely more recent. The past year has been filled with thoughts of the future and preparing for some financial freedom.

Earlier this fall, Alex read through a book on creating a legacy by Dave Ramsey. We sorted through our affairs and made a legacy box. (A spot where all our important things are) While doing this we  also spent some time working through the future and preparing for the what ifs in case either of us were to pass away. He even created me a budget if the day came that he passed. 

And so this month we were/are preparing to pay off our entire mortgage on our current house. We've always lived a more wartime lifestyle because of Alex's profession and self employment, but some current work projects have blessed us. So much that we could pay off our mortgage now.

This step is the last step in our end of life plan as well. This step gives me the freedom to never work if Alex were to pass away. That's an incredible blessing.

But sometimes even in the midst of our own careful planning the Lord brings to mind a different path. And that path for us would be to move. 

To move closer to our church, our church family, give our girls sidewalks to ride bikes on and hike and run. To alleviate some of the "issue zones" in our current home that cannot be easily remedied.

We never thought that much about moving because financial freedom was on our brains. But we then contemplated the move and we could move to a beautiful new house and keep our current mortgage. Obviously not as custom as our house now, but the new house would back up to a pond...allowing the girls to ice skate in their backyard. It's a family friendly community, closer to church and the new house plan would remedy those current "issue zones."

It's definitely not an easy decision but it's a future that we feel drawn to. 

Pray with us?

We have already worked out a floor plan with the builder but they are working on getting a quote on some changes we've made to a plan. We are waiting two weeks or so to hear if it will work to build the plan with our changes and the costs associated. If everything comes back positively we will most likely put our house on the market. 

It's definitely bittersweet...as we love this house. It's where we poured out a lot of love, brought our little girls home, dreamed of their future. BUT...

It's just a house...our home is wherever we are together, right?

We've already made some minor changes to our existing house that we will enjoy if we don't sell but will get it ready if we do. 

Our basement was painted and our main floor bath got a very minor update, but one that really changed things up.

Obviously we don't exactly know what the future holds but we're anxious to see where God leads us and will be ready if He says move:)

Hemming Me In

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Nor is just being a woman who follows Jesus.

My life has been given it’s fair shake of ups and downs, bringing out my best and my worst.

I’ve known full well my areas of struggle, those spots tender to the enemy’s prodding. And it seems over time that slimy snake has figured them out as well. I’d blame the enemy or my children or my circumstances but I know right where the responsibility lies.

Like I tell my daughters daily, your mommy is a sinner. You are a sinner. Your daddy is a sinner. Everyone is a sinner. I realized the other day that I needed a change of definition when she posed that Nana and Papa couldn’t possibly be sinners because they don’t yell. And we began again, deconstructing sin.

We need to see our sin if we are ever to grasp the overwhelming grace from Jesus death.

That’s my area of struggle. Keeping my tea pot of a temper from screeching to a boil.

I’ve been a mother now for the past 3.5 years give or take. I assure you, there has never in my life been a period of time so sanctifying. The years of hemming me in.

There was a time in my life when I thought I had gotten my tea pot under control. And I guess I did for awhile. Until everything in my control was really not in my control. Nothing in motherhood is truly under my control. Well maybe the choice of lunch is. Or  whether or not my Bible opens.

But these littlest ones, the ones the Lord created for me to mother. ME to mother. He knows me better than I know myself and He still ordained for me to mother. These little ones cannot be controlled. Meaning they will not always do just what I want when I want them to for my comfort and my convenience.

That’s not really the meaning or intent of motherhood anyways.

They make my desire for order and cleanliness and introverted freedom a chaotic and beautiful mess. 

They boil the water in my tea pot.

Thank God they boil the water.

Thank God they hem me in.

Brings tears to my eyes that He loves me so much to give me these girls and for them to sanctify me deeply. For me to wear my heart on my sleeve. There’s no hiding from God. And there’s certainly no hiding from these little ones. They know who I am.

I’m not sure when I’ll get this water to just simmer and not boil over. Or even for the water to remain still. Never probably.

But there’s today, and the next minute. The next hour. The next part to pray.

Pray that God will help me keep my water below the boiling point. That He calm my heart. That 

these girls will obey their momma with the intent of obeying God.

Slowly but surely, because He said he would, God’s hemming me, in all the right ways.  A nip and a tuck and a gather. He’s bringing up the grime and removing the grit. Cutting it off.

Growing me closer to His image.

And as my daughter reminds me, because I remind her, every day is a new day.

New mercies are ours come the rise of a new dawn.

That’s true balm for a mothers heart and soul.

New mercies.

Sweet momma, girl, woman, daughter…God’s hemming us in to make us more like Himself.

He’s trimming the yuck for holiness.

Reminding myself to cling to new mercies. New chances.

Our days are filled with them.

Thanks be to God!

2.75 Years and 4 Months

It’s high time for an update. I’m still in denial that in 4 short little months Elizabeth will turn 3. In the past 4 months since Meghan was born she has gone from toddler to full fledged little girl and it’s been a joy to watch. And then there’s Meghan…already 4 months going on 5 and we are watching her grow, mature, and learn new things every day. Before we know it September will be here and she’ll be one!

Elizabeth at 2.75 years:

34.5 pounds, 39 inches tall, solid size 4 in clothing & size 9 or 10 in shoes, potty trained

Elizabeth, you are a joy to parent. Even when you are at your worst. You have an incredible memory probably due to the fact that you are very observant. You take in all aspects of the world around you. You love to be outside riding your bike and just enjoying God’s creation. You wish we could go to the playground every day! You LOVE to do art projects and create things and you are always singing. Your appreciation for music makes my heart soar and you sing, play instruments and we often hear you singing wherever we go. The addition of family dance parties at night have made your heart burst. with joy This year you go to Super Bible Club for MOPS twice a month and to BSF “church school” every week. You love to play with the kids there and always come home having learned something new. Next year you will be in 2 day preschool every week and I know you will enjoy the structure and open ended play.

You have so many of your daddy’s traits it’s almost uncanny. You try just about any food and love most of daddy’s favorites: olives, pickles, scrambled eggs, raw vegetables, sour things like lemons and limes, and candy. Other favorites include chipotle, guacamole, any rice dish, tacos/fajitas, colby jack cheese and sandwiches from Jimmy John’s and Potbelly. You are also an avid fan of milk, shakes, apple juice, and sparkly water (la Croix).

You are a great sleeper for the most part although you have managed to figure out how to extend bedtime! You sleep from about 7:30pm-7:00 am and take a two hour nap every day. You are a very good helper and want to be in on the action no matter what we are doing. Your favorites include cracking eggs, spreading things on bread, helping bake, and washing your own hair in the bath tub.

You are confident, have become far more sociable, and have a sensitive heart when it comes to others. You can share pretty well and hold your own when others are bothering you. While you can test the limits we’ve found it’s more for attention or to really see what happens. And my oh my, you say the funniest things. And lastly, you LOVE your sister. You run with gladness when she wakes up and you are always asking where she is if she’s not with you. I can only pray that the two of you continue to have a close relationship!

 

Meghan at 4 Months

14 pounds, 24 inches, size 3-6m clothing, size 2 diapers

Oh Meghan…I’m so glad you joined our family even though it’s far more chaotic and a good nights’ sleep has evaporated before our eyes. When I first found out I was pregnant I’ll admit I had my apprehensions but now at 4 months we’re through some of the hardest days and I couldn’t imagine our family without you.

While you are somewhat of a textbook baby, you have definitely had your moments of frustration. For awhile we thought it was colic/reflux/dairy, who knows, but after your frenectomy you are almost a new baby. You still have your moments but they are definitely fewer and farther between.

You, like your sister, love to be around other people. For instance yesterday we headed out with friends and you didn’t nap at all but then came home and slept for 3 hours. I’ll take it. While we’ve tried to get you in more of a routine you do tend to be pretty flexible when it comes to changes. You are at the end of a wonder week so sleep has been erratic and you’ve been waking more but mommy remembers this from Elizabeth so it didn’t throw me so much. We’re just riding it out and hoping more sleep in on the horizon.

You can roll from front to back and are on the verge of figuring out the opposite. You can wiggle your way across the floor…somehow. We haven’t quite figured out how you get where you do but you are always moving. You can lift your head really high and move toys back and forth between your hands. You love to jump in the doorway jumper even though you are a bit too small still.  You coo and talk and shriek all day long and love it when Elizabeth interacts with you and gives you snuggles. You are such a peanut and we love to cuddle you so much!

As far as eating…well that definitely has improved. The fix of your lip/tongue tie has definitely made eating easier and has made you happier as you are taking in less air. As far as bottles, you are still incredibly resistant which is killing me. You take a pacifier gladly so I haven’t quite figured it out. For now we will roll with it but we will definitely keep trying. I’m not sure you will ever take one because you definitely are more of a comfort nurser than your sister ever was. And that’s okay since you are our last…

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On the mommy front

Things are going well for the most part. I’m slowing down, trying to enjoy the little ones in front of me, and trying not to wish these days in the trenches away. Definitely grateful for new mercies every morning as I need them. And I’ve been finding ways to catch up on sleep and get in the me time that my introverted spirit needs. I’m just so grateful for these girls. When I think of the days ahead and our family, my heart just bubbles over at how good God was to give us these gifts to hopefully accompany us through the future.

In Search of Mommy

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking these past couple of months. Watching myself for signs of postpartum, taking note of where I'm at and most of all trying to communicate well just what I need.

I have a bit of a give too much personality and then get super frustrated that no one is taking care of me. If I'm honest, it's just a sign that I need to start taking a bit more care of me.

I really do adore motherhood, even the not so fun parts, but after Meghan arrived I realized just how sacrificial motherhood can be. And while I'm all for sacrificing, I'm also all for making sure the sacrificer is well tuned as well. Life with two little ones caught me off guard a bit. I lost a bit of my mobility during the day, I get out less because Meghan won't take a bottle, and as an introvert there's just less time, less quiet, and fewer opportunities to recharge. It seems just as one falls asleep the other wakes and my daily temptation is to whine, stomp my feet and bang my head on the wall because I just need a bit of breathing room.

Alex often is the one to speak truth to me. The outsider who can see just what needs to be done. He's never failed to offer up any option to make the hard days easier. He's open to just about anything...going back to work, putting the kids in daycare/preschool, cleaning service, babysitters, you name it. Because most of all he wants a fulfilled and less stressed wife. Happy would also be a bonus.

Last month he told me flat out to stop martyring myself. But that's what we good mothers often believe. That we have to give and sacrifice, and put everyone first before ourselves. But I'm still not quite certain that's true or really even good for anyone.

So while I know I'm in the trenches with our youngest still under one, but we've been planning and putting into place some things to help make life better for all of us.

Meghan under went a frenectomy the other day for a very significant tongue and lip tie in hopes that nursing and taking a bottle may get easier. After 24 hours things are markedly better. Elizabeth is signed up for two morning preschool for the fall. Right now she's in childcare for MOPs and BSF so it won't be any more time really for her and the bonus will be that she will have more consistency. I'm still debating what I will do but I may just find joy in having 2 mornings alone with a napping Meghan to spend taking care of our house and myself. We enlisted the help of a cleaning service once a month to help keep tackle the deep clean items. And I've been trying to pull back and really focus on my New Years goals which really have made things better.

Even just our short night out last night as a couple to enjoy some good food and jazz helped me de-stress. And I've finally come to realize that putting myself and my marriage at the forefront really is better for all of us. 

So I'm curious how do you take care of yourself?