My head knows the reason why, but my heart, oh my heart hurts. A lot.
My mouth keeps proclaiming "God is Good...God is Good, all the time" and inside I feel my spirit doubting. My wayward heart is having difficulty understanding, and yet I just keep repeating truth all the same.
A dear friend told me a few weeks ago that this was going to be a fight of faith, a battle against Satan. It was easier to fight the battle last time. This time, O Lord help me, fight the fight of faith. Help me to fight to see your goodness. To really believe deep in my soul, that this is your will and that right now, this is best.
14 months ago, Alex and I started trying for a family. 7 months ago, infertility treatments began. We were ahead of the game, or so I thought. But now, there are only a few options left. Continuing at what we are trying, while paying lots of money, or IVF. I know God works miracles, life is a miracle. But I don't like my options. I think this is really the root of my heartache. Thousands of dollars later, we're beginning to ask ourselves all sorts of questions.
How much do we spend before we are being unwise with our money?
What is the Lord telling us? Is this His will?
Do we even consider IVF...is it even an option for us?
What do I do? Do I continue to stay home?
If it isn't working at 29, how will it work at 32?
Do we try again or take some time off? Change doctors?
I worry about my ability to make a decision. There is a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel, give up. I know that is not the right response because I've learned it's my coping mechanism. I never thought when we started all of this that we would end up here. Basically exhausting. This is an emotional process and I just don't know how long I can bear the heartache. I know, people try for lots longer than we have...but it's discouraging to know you may have exhausted all of your options right out of the gate.
But I know this does not surprise God. He knew it all along...he planned it. And I know He's right here with me, comforting me, holding my hand as we walk through this. He creates life and that makes it all the harder.
{reposted from 4/5/10}
