Sunday, May 12, 2013

thoughts on mother’s day

today is my first real mother’s day with a real live baby to cuddle and love. and I’m terrified of the emotions that have come with it.

every day I feel blessed to be elizabeth’s mommy. to hold her and snuggle her and teach her and love her. she’s still and always will be an example of God’s incredible kindness towards us. we don’t even come close to deserving her.

but the emotions that found me leading up to this day frightened me. my first real mother’s day and expectations that I began to put forth in my mind from the world. I remember when we were waiting and expecting having a better mindset on mother’s day. Yes, mother’s do deserve to be celebrated but it’s still just another day. because when you are waiting and hoping and grieving this day seems to be viewed with better clarity.

one year in the waiting I remember the elder or pastor, not our main pastor, asking all the mothers to stand up. to stand up. and to this day I can remember the emotions. tears flowed instantly and out I ran. I can remember thinking “all I want is to be able to stand up.” that was my worst experience with mother’s day to date.

but this year…it began to feel like it needed to be a day How would Alex celebrate me. What pinterest inspired craft would he come up with to show his love (seriously, what was I thinking…what men go on pinterest to make a craft for their wife?). Satan got ahold of me. And last night as I sat with my husband I went full circle with all my emotions.

Yes, I need to hear from him that he’s proud of me and yes, I need to hear that the job I’m doing is worthwhile. But I don’t need to hear that I’m perfect (far from it), that I’m the world’s best mom (I’m not), I don’t need to hear how I’m a saint for doing my job (again, far from it).

funny how a heart can be so fickle. in the waiting I longed for this day and made it less than what it should be and on this side I longed for this day and made it more than it should be.

and I know so many for whom this day is hard. they get to be celebrated but they are unable to celebrate their own mothers. they don’t get to stand up but they have mother’s to celebrate. and some are unable to do either.

why do we do this? I’m still baffled by all the emotions and how the world can make one day so puffed up. what a good reminder to keep my head in the Book. to remember where the best accolades will come from. where to keep hope.

One day I’ll hear the greatest words, “well done” and all the cards and worldly accolades will be rubbish in comparison.

just thinking this all through and trying to find the happy medium.

happy mother’s day…

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