It’s on Sunday’s I remember…

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand…”

Those years past I didn’t know what He was doing. He called us out, asked us to walk in faith, our infertility and loss a mystery. And yet, even as He called us out and walked with us, He allowed our faith to stand.

And it’s on Sunday’s I remember you most often. As I stand in worship at church, thinking and heart swelling, that we are singing in unison. You and me. Though I never touched you, never smelled your newborn scent, never sang to you…it doesn’t really matter, because when I open my mouth in praise I know I join you in the heavenly chorus.

“…Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now…”

The Lord created you both with purpose and He took you both home with a purpose. That I am sure of. And I know had you come, your sisters would not have. And had you not first made me a mother, I may have never mustered up enough hope to think He could create life again. His grace abounded when He gave you to us, even just for mere days. His hand overflowed with blessing and though my feet began to slip and I feared it would never happen again, the Lord you stand before and worship never failed your mother when He took you home.

He was faithful. I look at those pregnancy tests that told me I was a mother when the lines intersected and I think of you and who you would look like and my heart overflows with thankfulness that He showed His goodness when He gave us you. To think, I am the mother of four children; two in front of me and two I can only hope to meet.

“…Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior.”

When your daddy and I began trying for babies we asked the Lord for children because we knew we needed sanctifying and because we wanted to raise up children for the Lord. Little did we know that in praying and asking those things, we would walk a road neither of us could have imagined. Years of treatment and uncertainty, two babies lost too soon, and then two babies given to life here on earth. When He called us to walk the road of parenthood, He took us deeper and our faith was made ever stronger.

And though I would love to stroke your cheek and kiss your soft head and tuck you in and give you a name, I wouldn’t take back the years the Lord gave us in knowing Him more. Because I know that where you are is where you were created to be.

And it’s on Sunday’s I am with you again. As I sing out in praise I know my voice is joining yours as we worship our Savior together. You and me. He has not left me without a chance to be with you, for in worship our hearts are knit together. The only difference is that you are standing face to face with Him who has given and has taken away.

So it’s on Sunday’s I remember you.

{in remembrance of the two babies the Lord gave us for a short time in honor of October 15th…Infant Loss Awareness Day.}

**lyrics from Hillsong’s Oceans**